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Sept. 22, 2026

S4 E58: Certified Sex Therapist Heather Shannon

S4 E58: Certified Sex Therapist Heather Shannon
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Season 4
Clitizens! Welcome to another QuinnCast Podcast episode. We’re joined by certified sex therapist and Sex for Couples podcast host Heather Shannon to talk about body confidence in the bedroom and answer questions from our listeners.

🔥 IN THIS EPISODE
• Comparison culture and the way it shapes how we see our bodies
• The role social media plays in body confidence
• Communicating with a partner and how easily miscommunication can happen
• How to reframe the way we view our insecurities
• The “baggage” we bring into sex
• What we tend to overthink in the bedroom
• Discomfort around masturbation and how women have been socialized to feel about it
• Why sex therapy isn’t only for couples
• Our own body confidence stories and how different they can look
• How body confidence can change with age, menopause, and different stages of life

💬 THE BIG TAKEAWAY
Body confidence doesn’t always have to mean loving every part of yourself all the time. Sometimes, it means quieting the thoughts that pull you out of the moment and allowing yourself to feel good.


[Comparison Culture] [Where Is Your Labia?] [Reframe] [Unsubscribe] [Social Media] [Therapy] [Confidence]


🎙 WHO’S TALKING
Hosts: Kazza, Jules, and Smudge
Guest: Heather Shannon

🔗 Where to find Heather
Website
Free ‘Why Are You In A Sex Rut?’ Quiz
IG
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Website

💌 STAY CLOSE
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WEBVTT

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Hey, this is Kazza.

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This is Jules.

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And this is Smudge.

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You're listening to Quincast, where we have chats about audio

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erotica and empowerment through desire.

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And we take you behind the scenes with the pros

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shaping the industry.

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Settle in. Things are about to get spicy and uncensored.

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Today we're talking about body confidence in the bedroom. The

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lighting's bad. The angle's bad. Did they just look at

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that part of me? Is my stomach doing a thing

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right now? It's such a universal experience and nobody talks

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about it because it feels embarrassing to admit you're more

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worried about how you look than actually being present with

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another person.

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And it's not just a new relationship thing either. This

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can show up years into a marriage, after having a kid,

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after your body changes for any reason, or honestly, just

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out of nowhere on a random Tuesday.

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So we wanted to actually dig into why this happens

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and what, if anything, you can do about it in

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the moment. Not just love yourself, Instagram caption advice, but

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actual usable stuff. Which is why we brought in an

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expert instead of just blabbing about our own baggage. Heather

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Shannon is a certified sex therapist and host of the

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top 1% podcast, Sex for Couples.

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She's been quoted everywhere from Cosmo to Glamour to Hustler,

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and today she joins us on QuinnCast to dig deep

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into something almost everyone struggles with at some point, feeling

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good in your body when someone else is looking at it.

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This is Body Confidence in the Bedroom.

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Welcome welcome heather welcome so fun i love being here

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already yay oh so glad welcome thank you yeah this

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is a great topic and yeah i love that you

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guys are just like no.

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Filter and we're gonna we're gonna figure this stuff out

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and see if we can help people have some better

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sex and better confidence.

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Absolutely hell to the yes Before we get into the questions,

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I thought it would be helpful.

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We had sent a call out to our community to

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ask them, like, what are their body confidence issues in

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the bedroom? Just to kind of get an idea. You

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probably won't be surprised that they're pretty similar. So this

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one says, my tummy. This person says, I fear he

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won't be able to get hard because I'm too fat.

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Okay.

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It used to be pretty much everything, my body, my pleasure,

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et cetera.

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Yep.

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But then in terms of audio erotica, talking about how

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the audios have slowly built their confidence, because there's a

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lot of curve appreciation and body appreciation audios in the

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audio erotica community. I struggle with showing my stomach and

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my breasts because I'm very self-conscious about them. My stomach

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is an area I feel insecure about, and I'm also

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insecure about my breasts because they sag quite a lot.

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My tummy being overweight has killed my confidence. Lots of

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fat and loose skin. I have a stoma bag, which fits...

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which sits front and center, not very sexy, but hey,

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I'm alive. Self-confidence, I'm self-confident about the angle he sees

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when I'm on top, how I look when I'm riding

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and that my body's on full display. And I'm fat

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and I don't usually mind that, but my big butt

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when from behind, that's a hangup I find difficult to

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let go of.

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Okay.

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So those are some, just some Input from the clitizens,

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as we call our community.

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Oh, my God. That's so cute. The clitizens. I love it.

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Well, you are an honorary member of the clitizens.

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Yes.

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That's right.

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I accept. I'm excited to join. Yeah.

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Welcome to the clitizen family.

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Oh, my God.

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So what does body confidence in the bedroom actually mean

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to you, like, I guess, clinically? Like, is it about

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how someone looks, how they feel in their body or

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something else?

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Yeah. I know I'm technically a clinician. I'm not very clinical.

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Love it.

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Yes.

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But so I really just think like I hear that

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list of like what people wrote in and I was

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just like. I feel kind of sad and angry about

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it because there's just, there's so many messages about like

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what our body should be, you know, and I've gone

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through chronic health issues. I'm still in the middle of

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some of that. I would just spent a weekend with

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family and a well-meaning relative was like, you know, you've

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been getting bigger the last, you know, over the course

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of the last 10 years. And I was like, okay,

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we're going to have a discussion about some stuff. Boundaries.

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Family is a chronic health issue.

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Yeah.

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And it's like, I know they're coming from a place

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of love, but it's like, it takes, I think when

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you're working on your own body image, like not only

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do you have to work on your own thoughts, but

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you have to work on like, let other people's thoughts

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be theirs and not take that on. And so like,

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I'm grateful that I'm in a place now where like,

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did that bother me? Yes. But like, am I over

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attaching to it? Am I thinking like, Oh, my body's unacceptable? No.

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And that's, and that's really nice. Um, so I think

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like podcasts like this, the fact that there's a lot

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of body positivity within the sexual, uh, you know, wellness

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community and erotic audio community is very cool, but I

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do think we have to get more intentional and, about

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the type of media we consume you know like like

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for me my weight has gone up and down over

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the years and you know health issues have popped up

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and stuff and what's been really helpful is just realizing

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how realizing how stupid this is it's just stupid like

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that's kind of how I feel I'm like I'm just

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gonna opt out of this way of thinking because it's

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it's only harmful and Nothing about it is helpful. It

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only reduces pleasure, reduces connection, makes us feel horrible about

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ourselves and makes us more isolated and lonely.

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I mean, we heard those those issues that some of

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our clitizens were talking about.

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Yeah.

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What would over your years of experience, what would you

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say is the most common body confidence issue? You know,

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has it is it always been that way? Has it

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changed over the last few years due to, like you said,

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social media or aging population, etc.

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It's not changing. I mean, what I, cause I've been

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in practice for 20 years. You know what I mean?

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Like I would say maybe what's changing is men are

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a little bit more self-conscious now too. It's like, so

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now we're just bringing more people into the fold to

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feel shitty about themselves. You know, I think more and

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more men are having like hair transplants or like worrying

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about that and like, you know, worrying about their weight and.

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So I think there's that. But yeah, it's pretty much

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everyone should look young regardless of how old you are.

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Everyone should be thin. No one should have a stoma

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bag or any other like health issues that ever interfere

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with their health. And then then you can feel sexy.

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So it's like we put all these ridiculous conditions on like,

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you know, I can feel sexy if. 10 different criteria

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have been met. And I'm just, that's where I'm just like,

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I just can't, I just can't subscribe to that. I

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think it's crazy making, but at the same time we

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live in this society. Right. And so like we're bombarded

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by these ideas. My best friend has had, you know,

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she's very into Botox. She has breast implants. There's like

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zero judgment, but we're bombarded with it, with it's like, okay,

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you should, you know, have some laser treatment done to

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your skin. You should whiten your teeth. You should get

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rid of your forehead wrinkles with Botox. You should lose

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weight and this and that. I think what I've learned

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just kind of like through being in sex positive spaces

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is that so many types of bodies can be erotic,

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you know? And like, to me, like that's so much

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more expansive. It's so much more exciting. It doesn't have

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to be ableist. I think there is a lot of

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like ableist things you know, the person who mentioned the

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stoma bag, I'm really appreciative they wrote in because it

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could be like, okay, well, if you're in a wheelchair,

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if you have a disability, if you, for me, I

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have a lot of digestive and histamine issues and it's

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not always a visible illness that I'm dealing with. There

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can be a fear of like bringing our whole selves

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to the table. Really, that's what's happening with body image.

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There's a fear of bringing our whole self to the table.

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But like, that's what intimacy, that's why it's vulnerable. That's

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what makes it intimate. Mm-hmm. You know?

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The fear of bringing your whole self to the table, like,

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what do you think is, like, the root cause of that?

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I mean, there's a million different things, right? But I

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know you also work in internal family systems, so I

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wonder if that's a piece.

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Yeah. Oh, my gosh, Kazi. You totally did your research.

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Love it. I think that, like, we can't have gotten

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to this point, assuming everyone's an adult listening to this, right?

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We can't have gotten to this point of adulthood in

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our lives without someone telling us something about us should

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be different, right? Mm-hmm. You should, you know... It can

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even be like, you should pay better attention. You should

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dress a certain way. You should be thinner. Your hair

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should be different than it is. I liked your hair.

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So it's like, we just get all these outside opinions constantly.

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And then what happens is we kind of internalize that

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and not, not to be like dramatic. And I'm not

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saying this is like a big T life threatening trauma,

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but like, I do think it's trauma in the sense

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that maybe people's comments have stopped. Maybe they're not have

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happening in this moment, but we've internalized them. so now

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we have a part inside of us that's like oh

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you know your stomach is like a little bit bigger

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than it used to be or you kind of have

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like a belly or you know and we make it

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mean things so it could be like oh well the

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size of the belly determines like if it's an okay

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belly or if it's an apron belly or if it

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if there's loose skin in the belly it's it's like

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we can really like micro like analyze and fixate on

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these little things it could be like oh, well, now

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you have new stretch marks or cellulite because you had

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a baby or you have a new wrinkle. And it's

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just easy to like pick ourselves apart. So I think

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that the route to feeling better in your body, there's

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a lot of them. One pathway I think is seeing

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yourself more through your partner's eyes, you know? So whether,

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regardless of the gender of who you're having sex with,

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they probably think you're hot. They're probably not going to

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have sex with you if they're not into several things

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about you. And if they're smart, they're not fixating on

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your imperfections. So I think when we can start seeing

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ourselves that way and realize like, Oh, this person's like

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actually excited about me or they're, complimenting me I had

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I had an ex-boyfriend who complimented my like lower belly

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like the part that I was sort of like least

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secure this is a long time ago probably 15 years

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ago but I was like oh what's your favorite part

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00:10:44.539 --> 00:10:46.200
of my body or somehow that topic came up and

220
00:10:46.240 --> 00:10:48.299
he's like I would actually say like right below your

221
00:10:48.330 --> 00:10:51.299
belly button and I was like really or almost like

222
00:10:51.330 --> 00:10:53.970
the line separating like the pubic area from the belly

223
00:10:54.009 --> 00:10:55.750
he's like I just think it's cute and it's very

224
00:10:55.789 --> 00:10:58.730
like feminine oh I was like oh my gosh what

225
00:10:58.750 --> 00:11:00.669
an interesting way to view that that had never occurred

226
00:11:00.690 --> 00:11:02.909
to me So like but it allowed me to like

227
00:11:03.029 --> 00:11:05.690
adopt his lens a little bit and realize like he's

228
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being genuine. And I think I've also had to be

229
00:11:07.889 --> 00:11:12.169
disciplined and like I'm never going to say to a

230
00:11:12.210 --> 00:11:14.470
sexual part. I'm never going to pick myself apart to

231
00:11:14.509 --> 00:11:17.929
a sexual partner. I'm never going to be like, oh, well,

232
00:11:18.049 --> 00:11:20.809
you know, my butt doesn't look good from this angle

233
00:11:20.929 --> 00:11:23.750
or my boobs are droopy because I just feel like I'm.

234
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Feeding the narrative. And I actually had a client at

235
00:11:27.639 --> 00:11:30.850
one point who his girlfriend had gained like 20, 30

236
00:11:30.850 --> 00:11:32.870
pounds or something. And he was like, she still looks good,

237
00:11:32.929 --> 00:11:36.090
like whatever. But then she kept picking herself apart and

238
00:11:36.110 --> 00:11:39.169
it was affecting him where he was almost like seeing

239
00:11:39.190 --> 00:11:41.710
through her lens because she's like, here's my really shitty

240
00:11:41.730 --> 00:11:43.549
lens on how I look. And he was like, oh,

241
00:11:43.730 --> 00:11:45.210
I am starting to see that because you've said it

242
00:11:45.250 --> 00:11:46.320
about a thousand times now.

243
00:11:46.750 --> 00:11:47.789
Uh-huh.

244
00:11:47.809 --> 00:11:49.990
Okay. So I thought that was interesting, too.

245
00:11:50.190 --> 00:11:50.490
Yeah.

246
00:11:50.590 --> 00:11:52.070
That is interesting. And, you know, I want to bring

247
00:11:52.309 --> 00:11:54.289
it back a little bit, too. I'm thinking about kind

248
00:11:54.309 --> 00:11:57.409
of what you said about social media and kind of

249
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comparison culture.

250
00:11:58.570 --> 00:11:58.830
Oh, man.

251
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I feel like it's kind of a huge thing. And,

252
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I mean, I feel like the rise of social media since, what,

253
00:12:04.929 --> 00:12:08.100
2008 has really stemmed because, you know, I see women

254
00:12:08.139 --> 00:12:11.460
now online and most of what pops up on my

255
00:12:11.539 --> 00:12:14.519
For You page has to do with eroticism and sex.

256
00:12:15.100 --> 00:12:17.019
And things will pop up now that I didn't even

257
00:12:17.059 --> 00:12:19.840
know was something we compared about each other until about

258
00:12:19.899 --> 00:12:23.019
three years ago. Example, I did not know there were

259
00:12:23.120 --> 00:12:25.860
so many people talking about how women have different types

260
00:12:25.899 --> 00:12:28.539
of vaginas. And some people are like, oh, yours looks

261
00:12:28.559 --> 00:12:31.019
like this. I didn't know that. Wait, is that weird?

262
00:12:31.120 --> 00:12:34.210
Is mine okay? And that actually made a lot of

263
00:12:34.250 --> 00:12:36.690
people become insecure when they didn't even know they had

264
00:12:36.750 --> 00:12:38.029
something to be insecure about.

265
00:12:38.049 --> 00:12:42.029
I know. Thank you for bringing that up because– I'm like,

266
00:12:42.110 --> 00:12:45.240
can I find a gynecologist who isn't doing like labiaplasties

267
00:12:45.320 --> 00:12:45.740
on people?

268
00:12:46.960 --> 00:12:53.139
You know, I think like even when we go to

269
00:12:53.159 --> 00:12:56.080
the doctor and I from their standpoint, it's like that's

270
00:12:56.120 --> 00:12:57.080
probably where the money is.

271
00:12:57.100 --> 00:12:59.710
All the cosmetic stuff, all the doctors are doing it now,

272
00:12:59.809 --> 00:13:02.029
you know, but I don't want to go there and

273
00:13:02.070 --> 00:13:05.070
be bombarded with. oh, well, you could tighten things up

274
00:13:05.110 --> 00:13:07.149
a bit there in the vagina area. Or we could just,

275
00:13:07.169 --> 00:13:09.080
you know, trim this labia a little bit. It'll be

276
00:13:09.100 --> 00:13:11.580
real cute. And I'm just like, what's wrong with my

277
00:13:11.639 --> 00:13:15.200
current labia? You know what I mean? Like, my labia's fine.

278
00:13:16.340 --> 00:13:17.820
And so is everyone else's.

279
00:13:18.419 --> 00:13:19.440
But where do they.

280
00:13:19.240 --> 00:13:21.860
Get the ideal from? I'd love to know where the.

281
00:13:21.879 --> 00:13:24.600
Ideal of a vagina is.

282
00:13:24.980 --> 00:13:29.840
Yeah, but I've watched my percentage of porn and they're

283
00:13:29.860 --> 00:13:33.059
all different still. I mean, the majority of them may

284
00:13:33.120 --> 00:13:39.330
well be shaved, but they all look different. Different sized lips, plump, thin,

285
00:13:39.899 --> 00:13:42.850
barely existent, you know, all of that. Clitorises, the hoods,

286
00:13:42.929 --> 00:13:46.350
the everything, the protruded. It's all different. So who comes

287
00:13:46.429 --> 00:13:48.289
up with the ideal or are we making up the

288
00:13:48.370 --> 00:13:50.309
ideal in our head just to put ourselves down?

289
00:13:50.809 --> 00:13:52.350
I mean, from what I've heard, I don't know if

290
00:13:52.389 --> 00:13:54.730
people have kind of gotten this idea or not, was

291
00:13:54.769 --> 00:13:58.889
that porn was portraying more of like the clamshell, like labia,

292
00:13:59.340 --> 00:14:01.779
where it's kind of like the inner lips are shorter,

293
00:14:01.879 --> 00:14:05.059
the outer lips are longer, nothing's protruding. And here's the

294
00:14:05.080 --> 00:14:07.700
thing that I've realized about sex in general. It's like

295
00:14:07.779 --> 00:14:11.480
humans are uncomfortable to some degree with our like animalistic side.

296
00:14:11.500 --> 00:14:14.440
And so we're kind of like, we're going to just

297
00:14:14.480 --> 00:14:17.250
be like neat and tidy and prim and proper about

298
00:14:17.259 --> 00:14:20.870
our sex. And we're not going to be like unkempt

299
00:14:21.029 --> 00:14:24.649
or like wild. It's like, it's like this weird thing

300
00:14:24.789 --> 00:14:27.700
where I'm just like, why? Like, why are we being

301
00:14:27.740 --> 00:14:30.639
so weird about that? Like, let's be wild and let's

302
00:14:30.659 --> 00:14:32.759
like let ourselves do that. But I think that goes

303
00:14:32.820 --> 00:14:35.360
back to the part stuff that Kaza had mentioned. There's

304
00:14:35.399 --> 00:14:38.460
just so many like invisible rules about like how we're

305
00:14:38.480 --> 00:14:42.000
supposed to be. And when we go into sex being like, okay,

306
00:14:42.039 --> 00:14:45.340
like kissing is okay. And my vagina can look like

307
00:14:45.379 --> 00:14:48.789
this and that's okay. But Anything that deviates from like,

308
00:14:48.909 --> 00:14:51.409
you know, here's what is socially acceptable in terms of

309
00:14:51.450 --> 00:14:54.470
sex acts. Here is what is acceptable in terms of

310
00:14:54.529 --> 00:14:57.110
my body. That's it. We just like, we start from

311
00:14:57.149 --> 00:14:59.870
this like narrowly defined, limited place.

312
00:15:00.110 --> 00:15:00.509
Yeah.

313
00:15:00.769 --> 00:15:03.409
I find that like, because I've done, I've been in therapy,

314
00:15:03.450 --> 00:15:04.269
I've done IFS.

315
00:15:04.769 --> 00:15:05.309
Oh, nice.

316
00:15:05.789 --> 00:15:07.950
I think like for me, as far as body confidence goes,

317
00:15:08.029 --> 00:15:10.210
when I was young, I won't, I'll use the I place.

318
00:15:10.269 --> 00:15:11.620
When I was young, as a child, I was.

319
00:15:13.409 --> 00:15:15.629
I'm always looking for ways to get mom and dad

320
00:15:15.649 --> 00:15:17.320
to love me, right? Because that's what children do. You

321
00:15:17.360 --> 00:15:19.779
just look at like, you're watching their behavior. And so

322
00:15:20.220 --> 00:15:23.879
if I see mom who is, you know, slender and like,

323
00:15:24.039 --> 00:15:25.840
you know, attractive and all this stuff, grab a little

324
00:15:25.879 --> 00:15:27.039
bit of her belly and go, oh my God, I

325
00:15:27.059 --> 00:15:29.480
got to get rid of this fat thing. As a

326
00:15:29.539 --> 00:15:32.169
little girl, I'm like, oh, okay. So to be good

327
00:15:32.230 --> 00:15:34.429
enough for mom to love me, I have to not

328
00:15:34.450 --> 00:15:35.649
have one of those. Right.

329
00:15:35.889 --> 00:15:36.110
Right.

330
00:15:36.149 --> 00:15:38.750
And so then that part's formed where it's like, oh, that,

331
00:15:38.909 --> 00:15:41.799
so I start to get the definition of what's acceptable and,

332
00:15:42.379 --> 00:15:45.519
appearance wise, or even if she makes comments like, it

333
00:15:45.559 --> 00:15:47.899
doesn't matter how you look, I'm worried about your health. Well,

334
00:15:48.200 --> 00:15:50.679
the seeds are already planted. So it doesn't matter how

335
00:15:51.159 --> 00:15:54.340
nicely you package the wording. It's going to translate into

336
00:15:55.080 --> 00:15:55.940
you're fat and worthless.

337
00:15:56.360 --> 00:15:57.019
Yeah, exactly.

338
00:15:57.039 --> 00:15:57.980
Right. Yep.

339
00:15:58.220 --> 00:16:00.059
So that's what we're bringing to sex is like all

340
00:16:00.100 --> 00:16:02.279
this baggage. And so, you know, when people do the

341
00:16:02.320 --> 00:16:04.940
therapy and they know their parts and they can even

342
00:16:04.980 --> 00:16:06.580
talk to their partner about like, I have a part

343
00:16:06.620 --> 00:16:09.580
that feels this way and the partner can be, you know,

344
00:16:09.600 --> 00:16:11.360
hopefully sensitive and gracious about that.

345
00:16:12.519 --> 00:16:17.269
Not to defend men at all. I'd like to just

346
00:16:17.450 --> 00:16:19.250
walk back a little bit, Heather, when you were talking

347
00:16:19.330 --> 00:16:23.669
about how porn was advertising the clamshell vagina.

348
00:16:23.929 --> 00:16:24.210
Yeah.

349
00:16:24.330 --> 00:16:28.610
That's porn. That's advertising. That's a marketing thing.

350
00:16:28.690 --> 00:16:29.370
Right, right.

351
00:16:29.450 --> 00:16:31.940
In real life, I don't think I've ever had a

352
00:16:32.519 --> 00:16:36.759
male friend, partner, whatever, talk to me about what a

353
00:16:36.799 --> 00:16:38.019
vagina should look like.

354
00:16:38.389 --> 00:16:38.889
Correct.

355
00:16:39.169 --> 00:16:40.350
Like 100%.

356
00:16:40.350 --> 00:16:43.120
Me, never. Nor have I ever had a male client

357
00:16:43.159 --> 00:16:46.500
talk about his partner's genitals in any sort of negative way.

358
00:16:46.519 --> 00:16:47.740
Isn't that interesting?

359
00:16:48.320 --> 00:16:49.759
Yeah. We put it on ourselves.

360
00:16:49.960 --> 00:16:50.799
Yeah. Yeah.

361
00:16:51.039 --> 00:16:51.919
They don't care.

362
00:16:52.039 --> 00:16:53.850
But most of my male friends have said, by the

363
00:16:53.889 --> 00:16:57.860
time we're naked, doesn't matter. I want to be there.

364
00:16:58.200 --> 00:16:59.179
That's why I'm naked.

365
00:16:59.259 --> 00:17:02.759
And I think that's a great point because it's the person.

366
00:17:02.820 --> 00:17:07.279
There's so many layers to this. We're objectifying ourself, right?

367
00:17:07.440 --> 00:17:09.579
We don't want to be reduced to one aspect of

368
00:17:09.640 --> 00:17:12.950
who we are. But like that's what's happening when we're like,

369
00:17:13.190 --> 00:17:16.160
I need to have a clamshell vagina. All right. Which

370
00:17:16.220 --> 00:17:18.519
is actually the vulva, not the vagina. But, you know,

371
00:17:18.720 --> 00:17:20.579
we say that or like I need to be trimmed.

372
00:17:20.599 --> 00:17:22.660
But you're right. It's like the person's there because of

373
00:17:23.019 --> 00:17:26.160
the total package, not because of like one little feature.

374
00:17:26.180 --> 00:17:29.059
I mean, it's just projection, right? We're just like we

375
00:17:29.079 --> 00:17:31.690
project our insecurities onto our partner. To your point, Smudge,

376
00:17:31.750 --> 00:17:32.910
when they're in the midst of it, it's like they're

377
00:17:32.930 --> 00:17:34.569
not thinking, oh, it's not a clamshell. I'm out.

378
00:17:35.680 --> 00:17:37.619
They're just happy to be there.

379
00:17:37.640 --> 00:17:38.940
They're just happy to be there.

380
00:17:38.960 --> 00:17:40.160
Literally never.

381
00:17:40.319 --> 00:17:41.920
They're like, no, actually, I want to be in. I

382
00:17:41.960 --> 00:17:44.140
don't care what it is, but I want to be in.

383
00:17:44.220 --> 00:17:48.910
I mean, I lived through the, you know, the early

384
00:17:48.950 --> 00:17:52.230
part of the 90s when bleaching your arsehole was the trend.

385
00:17:52.390 --> 00:17:54.930
Right. And I used.

386
00:17:54.329 --> 00:17:56.430
Actual bleach because I didn't know what they were talking about.

387
00:17:56.470 --> 00:17:57.630
So I just used actual bleach.

388
00:17:57.789 --> 00:17:58.750
Oh, no. Don't do that.

389
00:17:58.930 --> 00:17:59.130
Yeah.

390
00:17:59.150 --> 00:17:59.630
Don't do that.

391
00:17:59.690 --> 00:18:00.950
You did that? Yeah, because.

392
00:18:01.450 --> 00:18:03.890
nobody was talking about it everyone was talking about it.

393
00:18:03.869 --> 00:18:06.589
But nobody spoke about it exactly because this is it's

394
00:18:06.609 --> 00:18:09.279
like this weird shameful secret thing and that's why it's

395
00:18:09.299 --> 00:18:12.279
so important that you guys have this podcast so people

396
00:18:12.299 --> 00:18:14.619
can be like no you can actually just talk about

397
00:18:14.640 --> 00:18:17.000
these things and then not accidentally harm your body but

398
00:18:17.019 --> 00:18:18.700
when no one talks about it and exists in the

399
00:18:18.759 --> 00:18:20.660
shadows that's what happens.

400
00:18:20.500 --> 00:18:22.230
That's such a good point so much i never even

401
00:18:22.250 --> 00:18:24.190
thought of that but you're like yeah like what you're

402
00:18:24.390 --> 00:18:26.529
like how would you know who how would you know

403
00:18:27.029 --> 00:18:29.430
if someone just says like oh bleach your asshole you're

404
00:18:29.690 --> 00:18:30.130
You did.

405
00:18:30.170 --> 00:18:31.950
You go under the sink and you get your mum's

406
00:18:32.009 --> 00:18:34.569
bleach and you get some cotton wool buds and you

407
00:18:34.609 --> 00:18:37.450
bleach your own arsehole until it burns.

408
00:18:37.650 --> 00:18:38.750
Until it burns like a motherfucker.

409
00:18:38.769 --> 00:18:41.009
And then you still go, well, that must be what

410
00:18:41.089 --> 00:18:43.230
everybody goes through because it wasn't, there wasn't the social

411
00:18:43.279 --> 00:18:43.880
media back then.

412
00:18:43.900 --> 00:18:45.019
It wasn't like it was in.

413
00:18:45.259 --> 00:18:47.660
I mean, it may have been in Vogue or Glamour

414
00:18:47.720 --> 00:18:50.180
or something like back in the day, but I didn't

415
00:18:50.220 --> 00:18:53.380
get those magazines. I just heard about it from a friend,

416
00:18:53.539 --> 00:18:56.339
you know, a friend of a friend. And I looked

417
00:18:56.380 --> 00:18:58.309
at my arsehole and I was like, well, this is

418
00:18:58.329 --> 00:19:04.259
a little bit dark. So, but I'm, I'm naturally brown,

419
00:19:04.359 --> 00:19:05.960
not blonde. So I was like, right.

420
00:19:06.019 --> 00:19:10.269
That must be unacceptable. And that's what I'm being told. Yeah.

421
00:19:10.309 --> 00:19:12.670
Unacceptable. That's the word must be unacceptable.

422
00:19:12.710 --> 00:19:12.930
Yeah.

423
00:19:13.029 --> 00:19:13.529
Yeah.

424
00:19:13.809 --> 00:19:15.369
Oh, but even that's much like the one you took

425
00:19:15.410 --> 00:19:17.299
it one step further and went. well, it burned and

426
00:19:17.319 --> 00:19:19.680
it was uncomfortable, but this must be what everyone goes

427
00:19:19.740 --> 00:19:21.920
through because this is what you're supposed to do. God,

428
00:19:21.940 --> 00:19:24.200
so much of it comes back to just fucking talk

429
00:19:24.240 --> 00:19:25.099
about it. Yes.

430
00:19:25.160 --> 00:19:29.160
Were you guys taught that beauty is supposed to be painful?

431
00:19:29.180 --> 00:19:30.759
Because my mom said that to me when I was young.

432
00:19:30.779 --> 00:19:31.920
Beauty is pain.

433
00:19:31.980 --> 00:19:32.660
Beauty is pain.

434
00:19:33.359 --> 00:19:34.460
Which is ridiculous.

435
00:19:34.480 --> 00:19:36.349
It's so funny. I heard that expression all the time,

436
00:19:36.369 --> 00:19:38.289
but I never stopped and thought, oh, it's painful to

437
00:19:38.329 --> 00:19:38.769
be beautiful.

438
00:19:38.789 --> 00:19:39.470
I'm like, wait a minute.

439
00:19:40.349 --> 00:19:40.990
Hang on.

440
00:19:41.210 --> 00:19:44.170
What if we're already beautiful and we're missing it the

441
00:19:44.190 --> 00:19:46.609
whole time? Have you guys had that experience where- You

442
00:19:46.630 --> 00:19:48.680
look back at a picture of yourself and you're like,

443
00:19:48.720 --> 00:19:51.519
oh my God, I was so beautiful. And then you're like,

444
00:19:51.759 --> 00:19:54.299
but I didn't feel beautiful. I was too busy worrying

445
00:19:54.319 --> 00:19:56.069
about everything that was wrong with my body.

446
00:19:56.349 --> 00:19:57.150
It's so true.

447
00:19:57.170 --> 00:19:57.829
Yes.

448
00:19:58.190 --> 00:19:59.130
It never ends.

449
00:19:59.509 --> 00:20:00.130
It never ends.

450
00:20:00.150 --> 00:20:02.549
Which is why people like you, Heather, are so important.

451
00:20:03.910 --> 00:20:04.170
Yeah.

452
00:20:04.230 --> 00:20:06.710
But you guys, too. We're all doing it. We're doing

453
00:20:06.759 --> 00:20:07.019
the work.

454
00:20:07.319 --> 00:20:08.960
Yeah, I look I look at pictures of myself like

455
00:20:08.980 --> 00:20:10.769
from college or whatever when I thought I was just

456
00:20:10.809 --> 00:20:13.670
like the most ginormous, hideous creature. And I'm like, what

457
00:20:13.710 --> 00:20:16.970
I wouldn't give to be that size. Right. But it's

458
00:20:17.130 --> 00:20:18.470
so subjective.

459
00:20:18.490 --> 00:20:20.829
I know, but we have to do it now. So

460
00:20:20.849 --> 00:20:23.130
it's like. We have to realize that like 10 years

461
00:20:23.170 --> 00:20:24.910
from now or whatever, we might look back and be like,

462
00:20:25.430 --> 00:20:28.029
I was, you know, beautiful. I was great looking. Like,

463
00:20:28.150 --> 00:20:30.549
what was my, why did I think I wasn't? You know,

464
00:20:30.609 --> 00:20:34.210
it's like, there's like an absurdity to it. If everyone

465
00:20:34.250 --> 00:20:38.069
goes around thinking they're attractive, guess what? Everyone's more confident.

466
00:20:38.390 --> 00:20:41.650
People are approaching each other more. People are feeling happier

467
00:20:41.730 --> 00:20:44.630
in their own skin. They're having sex. They're more comfortable

468
00:20:44.710 --> 00:20:47.490
getting naked. It's just like only good things happen.

469
00:20:49.059 --> 00:20:50.880
Which then brings me to like, at least here in

470
00:20:50.900 --> 00:20:54.140
the States, like the capitalist society, it's very profitable to

471
00:20:54.180 --> 00:20:55.339
make us feel ugly and fat.

472
00:20:55.839 --> 00:20:56.660
So profitable.

473
00:20:56.759 --> 00:20:59.420
Imagine, I mean, it's a multi-billion dollar industry.

474
00:20:59.680 --> 00:20:59.799
Right.

475
00:20:59.819 --> 00:21:01.420
You know what? I'll take it a step further there, Kazza,

476
00:21:01.440 --> 00:21:05.109
because my FYP, I'm not even kidding, every four videos,

477
00:21:05.140 --> 00:21:07.269
so I have small boobs. I'm part of the itty

478
00:21:07.289 --> 00:21:09.730
bitty titty committee. So I'm like a big A. And

479
00:21:09.750 --> 00:21:11.599
don't get me wrong, now I'm like, you know, I

480
00:21:11.599 --> 00:21:14.279
still get a little self-conscious sometimes because they're smaller and things,

481
00:21:14.380 --> 00:21:18.000
but I get ads every few minutes for like, do

482
00:21:18.019 --> 00:21:19.220
you have small chest size?

483
00:21:19.660 --> 00:21:20.019
What?

484
00:21:20.279 --> 00:21:22.279
Make them look, and I'm like, fuck, damn it.

485
00:21:22.519 --> 00:21:23.309
Oh, I hate that.

486
00:21:23.789 --> 00:21:25.349
Well, because that's what's so stupid, like all of our

487
00:21:25.390 --> 00:21:26.690
devices like listening to us, right?

488
00:21:26.710 --> 00:21:27.970
So it's like, oh yeah.

489
00:21:28.029 --> 00:21:29.910
So like Jules, you can make like just a comment

490
00:21:30.390 --> 00:21:32.150
that I'm part of the individuality committee and then all

491
00:21:32.170 --> 00:21:35.319
of a sudden your fucking FYP is filled with that shit.

492
00:21:35.680 --> 00:21:39.549
So heather what's the difference then between what is body

493
00:21:39.589 --> 00:21:43.430
confidence issue that you just shaky every now and again

494
00:21:43.450 --> 00:21:47.509
yeah the body confidence that's like massively taking a hit

495
00:21:47.589 --> 00:21:51.680
like postpartum or illness or weight change etc what's what's

496
00:21:51.720 --> 00:21:54.019
the major difference between those two um i.

497
00:21:54.000 --> 00:21:57.759
Would say it's probably how much brain space it's taking

498
00:21:57.859 --> 00:22:00.250
up for you So if it's kind of like you

499
00:22:00.309 --> 00:22:03.309
generally go around feeling like a pretty cute person, you know,

500
00:22:03.349 --> 00:22:06.109
people find you attractive, but you know, every once in

501
00:22:06.130 --> 00:22:07.609
a while you're like, Oh, I'll get a little gray

502
00:22:07.630 --> 00:22:09.670
hair coming in or like, Oh, I think I could

503
00:22:09.730 --> 00:22:12.549
use like a little wardrobe update. That's probably not like

504
00:22:12.650 --> 00:22:15.809
hugely negatively impacting your life at that point. Like I

505
00:22:15.829 --> 00:22:17.950
realized recently, I think some of my health issues have

506
00:22:18.009 --> 00:22:21.650
limited me more in feeling attractive where I'm like, Oh,

507
00:22:21.710 --> 00:22:24.130
I feel super bloated all the time. Or I'm like

508
00:22:24.750 --> 00:22:27.009
dealing with all this digestive stuff or I'm getting these

509
00:22:27.049 --> 00:22:29.990
like debilitating headaches and There can be some of those

510
00:22:30.069 --> 00:22:31.930
thoughts of, you know, no one's going to want to

511
00:22:31.970 --> 00:22:35.089
deal with this or I have food sensitivities, whatever it is.

512
00:22:35.190 --> 00:22:37.250
So I think a lot of times when we have,

513
00:22:37.390 --> 00:22:40.309
you know, people might have chronic fatigue. People might have

514
00:22:40.829 --> 00:22:43.819
an autoimmune disease. People might have a stoma bag. People

515
00:22:43.890 --> 00:22:46.990
might have need to walk with assistance or be in

516
00:22:47.019 --> 00:22:50.539
a wheelchair. And it's like there's a lot of reconceptualizing.

517
00:22:50.559 --> 00:22:54.519
You mentioned pregnancy. That's a really common example. Menopause, you know,

518
00:22:54.599 --> 00:22:58.160
is another one or perimenopause. where it can kind of,

519
00:22:58.170 --> 00:23:01.140
there can just be thoughts that go with it. Like, well,

520
00:23:01.220 --> 00:23:04.440
I'm all washed up or, well, my reproductive years are

521
00:23:04.579 --> 00:23:07.380
over or like, you know, my vagina will never be

522
00:23:07.420 --> 00:23:09.220
the same after having a child.

523
00:23:09.240 --> 00:23:10.180
You know, whatever.

524
00:23:10.319 --> 00:23:13.140
It's like, so it's our thoughts that have the power.

525
00:23:13.559 --> 00:23:15.920
So what we want to do there is kind of separate,

526
00:23:15.960 --> 00:23:19.440
like there's the circumstance, right? You had a child, you

527
00:23:19.519 --> 00:23:22.619
are in perimenopause, you are in a wheelchair, whatever. So

528
00:23:22.640 --> 00:23:24.799
there's a fact, right? There's a fact, but then there's

529
00:23:24.859 --> 00:23:27.640
how we think about that fact. I'm really glad to

530
00:23:27.680 --> 00:23:31.910
see more people who are disabled doing more like sexual

531
00:23:31.950 --> 00:23:35.970
content on Instagram and stuff. And it's just such a

532
00:23:36.009 --> 00:23:40.039
good example of like, it's about the confidence, you know,

533
00:23:40.099 --> 00:23:42.960
it's about the aura. It's about like what you're bringing

534
00:23:42.980 --> 00:23:47.039
to the table and, As a whole person and not just, again,

535
00:23:47.160 --> 00:23:50.339
one aspect of who you are. I think that's the difference. Like,

536
00:23:50.380 --> 00:23:53.660
are you basically feeling good? You feel like you are

537
00:23:53.700 --> 00:23:55.869
worthy and can be intimate with someone? Or are you

538
00:23:55.930 --> 00:23:59.170
ruminating and worrying about this and like maybe taking yourself

539
00:23:59.289 --> 00:24:01.750
out of the game? You know, whether you're single or

540
00:24:01.789 --> 00:24:04.369
whether you're married for 20 years, are you just sort

541
00:24:04.390 --> 00:24:08.170
of opting out of sexuality because you've decided you're not adequate?

542
00:24:08.190 --> 00:24:08.529
Yeah.

543
00:24:09.349 --> 00:24:12.250
Yeah. One question I'd like to ask you, Heather, do

544
00:24:12.269 --> 00:24:15.220
you think that the orgasm gap has as much to

545
00:24:15.279 --> 00:24:18.650
do with men not giving us the time to have

546
00:24:18.670 --> 00:24:22.470
an orgasm? Or our inability because of our body confidence

547
00:24:22.619 --> 00:24:24.599
issues to relax enough to have an orgasm?

548
00:24:24.740 --> 00:24:29.859
I'm going to say yes. There you go.

549
00:24:29.940 --> 00:24:30.180
Yes.

550
00:24:30.359 --> 00:24:32.410
I would also add a lot of women don't know

551
00:24:32.430 --> 00:24:35.950
what they want. And I think there's sometimes discomfort. Women

552
00:24:35.990 --> 00:24:39.769
have more discomfort over masturbating than men do because of

553
00:24:39.809 --> 00:24:43.789
how we've been socialized. And so there's often like, like

554
00:24:43.809 --> 00:24:45.950
I'll often work with a husband and wife, let's say

555
00:24:45.970 --> 00:24:47.890
the husband will be like, I'll do anything. Just tell

556
00:24:47.910 --> 00:24:49.710
me what to do. I want you to feel pleasure.

557
00:24:49.730 --> 00:24:51.329
I want you to have a great time. Cause men

558
00:24:51.349 --> 00:24:53.009
are often like, I want sex, but they're kind of like,

559
00:24:53.029 --> 00:24:54.609
but I want her to be into it. Or like

560
00:24:54.750 --> 00:24:56.849
I get off on her getting off, you know? And

561
00:24:56.869 --> 00:24:59.390
so they, they want that they're willing to put into work.

562
00:24:59.450 --> 00:25:01.230
And sometimes the woman's like, well, I don't know. It's

563
00:25:01.349 --> 00:25:03.849
not that you're doing anything wrong. Or I think there's

564
00:25:03.890 --> 00:25:09.839
sometimes a resistance to exploring her own body to touching

565
00:25:10.059 --> 00:25:12.140
her own genitals. I think there's a lot of like

566
00:25:12.160 --> 00:25:16.380
kind of ick associated with female genitals sometimes, whether it's, ew,

567
00:25:16.400 --> 00:25:19.970
you're getting a period, ew, blood, gross. Like, oh, does

568
00:25:20.009 --> 00:25:23.130
it smell weird down there? Or, you know, so it's

569
00:25:23.150 --> 00:25:26.130
like that all can play into it too. Honestly, it's

570
00:25:26.170 --> 00:25:28.940
a wonder any of us are feeling good about ourselves.

571
00:25:28.960 --> 00:25:30.799
Ever leave the house. Yeah.

572
00:25:30.819 --> 00:25:33.000
I think about every time somebody makes a fish joke,

573
00:25:33.039 --> 00:25:34.259
it comes back to close.

574
00:25:34.019 --> 00:25:35.319
Your legs, lady. Like what?

575
00:25:35.339 --> 00:25:38.710
Fuck. Like we grew up with that shit. I know.

576
00:25:38.809 --> 00:25:40.690
So it's like, it's, yeah. So I think there's a

577
00:25:40.730 --> 00:25:43.680
lot of things working kind of against us, but I

578
00:25:43.740 --> 00:25:46.710
very much think it's possible to just, again, my mental

579
00:25:46.750 --> 00:25:48.970
thing is just like unsubscribe. Like I just don't subscribe

580
00:25:48.990 --> 00:25:50.329
to that. It's not, is it helpful to me?

581
00:25:50.490 --> 00:25:50.630
No.

582
00:25:50.910 --> 00:25:51.130
Okay.

583
00:25:51.190 --> 00:25:53.859
Unsubscribe. And then actively seeking out stuff like this, these

584
00:25:53.890 --> 00:25:57.559
types of conversations. I also think seeing normal bodies, again,

585
00:25:57.619 --> 00:25:58.599
porn is entertainment.

586
00:25:58.839 --> 00:25:59.000
Right.

587
00:25:59.059 --> 00:26:01.640
It's just a sexual movie. So it's like when you're walking,

588
00:26:01.759 --> 00:26:03.799
watching a movie, it's like someone's going to have their

589
00:26:03.839 --> 00:26:06.950
hair and makeup done. There's great lighting. There's there's just like,

590
00:26:06.990 --> 00:26:09.670
you know, they've selected people who are going to, you know,

591
00:26:09.730 --> 00:26:12.609
be have mass appeal or whatever. But I don't think

592
00:26:12.630 --> 00:26:14.569
there's a person out there that doesn't have a bunch

593
00:26:14.609 --> 00:26:16.250
of people who'd want to have sex with them. So

594
00:26:16.549 --> 00:26:19.410
I think I think we can all I think we

595
00:26:19.430 --> 00:26:22.819
can all walk around with a lot more confidence. You know,

596
00:26:22.859 --> 00:26:25.440
like I grew up feeling like I had to be

597
00:26:25.500 --> 00:26:27.849
thin and. And women were kind of supposed to be

598
00:26:27.880 --> 00:26:31.029
more passive and like the dating and sex process. And,

599
00:26:31.490 --> 00:26:33.609
you know, men would just approach you if you're pretty

600
00:26:33.650 --> 00:26:38.569
and thin. And, you know, I'm not thin. And that's

601
00:26:38.609 --> 00:26:42.220
working out fine. And I think what I've realized is, oh,

602
00:26:42.380 --> 00:26:46.339
I've dated equally good looking guys, whether I'm weighing 200

603
00:26:46.339 --> 00:26:48.920
pounds or 130 pounds. It's all in my head. And

604
00:26:48.940 --> 00:26:51.279
so that's what I've realized. I'm like, when I was

605
00:26:51.339 --> 00:26:54.950
telling myself limiting thoughts, it affected how I showed up.

606
00:26:55.619 --> 00:26:58.480
And that was true. And when I stopped telling myself

607
00:26:58.539 --> 00:27:02.740
those limiting thoughts, that was also true, you know, and

608
00:27:02.779 --> 00:27:05.039
then I showed up differently and in a way that

609
00:27:05.059 --> 00:27:07.720
worked better. So I was like, how interesting, you know,

610
00:27:07.740 --> 00:27:09.359
the mind is a powerful thing.

611
00:27:09.559 --> 00:27:11.920
It is. And we can, I try to like challenge

612
00:27:11.960 --> 00:27:13.700
the stories in my head. Like when I make up

613
00:27:13.759 --> 00:27:16.400
a story, I'm like, is it true? Is this absolutely true?

614
00:27:16.779 --> 00:27:18.000
Yes.

615
00:27:18.019 --> 00:27:21.549
I just had a conversation with my wife two days ago, maybe.

616
00:27:21.569 --> 00:27:21.740
Okay.

617
00:27:22.480 --> 00:27:24.339
This may or may not stay in the podcast, depending

618
00:27:24.359 --> 00:27:28.660
on her approval. But we had a conversation the other

619
00:27:28.680 --> 00:27:31.450
day about like just intimacy in general. And I was

620
00:27:31.490 --> 00:27:34.910
bringing to the table of like, I don't feel attracted. Menopause, right?

621
00:27:34.930 --> 00:27:37.569
Like weight has completely shifted in the body and you

622
00:27:38.009 --> 00:27:40.349
mentally don't feel like the same person anymore. It's like

623
00:27:40.410 --> 00:27:44.170
someone came and replaced you with somebody else mentally and physically.

624
00:27:44.730 --> 00:27:47.920
And so I'm talking to her about how you know,

625
00:27:48.200 --> 00:27:50.230
like you like doing what you said you shouldn't do,

626
00:27:50.259 --> 00:27:52.220
which is like, I'm sure you probably don't find me

627
00:27:52.259 --> 00:27:54.299
attractive anymore. Keep in mind, she's the same age. And

628
00:27:54.339 --> 00:27:57.049
so she's similar stage of life. And I said, I

629
00:27:57.089 --> 00:27:59.240
just don't think you have as much interest in this anymore.

630
00:27:59.460 --> 00:28:01.329
And so I make it about me. I'm like, is

631
00:28:01.349 --> 00:28:04.029
it about me? And then she goes in to tell

632
00:28:04.069 --> 00:28:05.970
me she had, she was diagnosed with breast cancer a

633
00:28:05.970 --> 00:28:08.109
couple of years ago and had a double mastectomy. And

634
00:28:08.170 --> 00:28:11.390
she said, I was someone who never really identified my

635
00:28:11.450 --> 00:28:16.049
womanhood with breasts, but not having them has impacted me.

636
00:28:16.250 --> 00:28:16.569
Yeah.

637
00:28:17.589 --> 00:28:17.869
You know?

638
00:28:17.970 --> 00:28:20.190
So I'm coming to the table thinking it's all because

639
00:28:20.230 --> 00:28:22.809
she doesn't find me attractive anymore. And she's coming to

640
00:28:22.829 --> 00:28:27.049
the table going, no, it's because I'm just digesting now

641
00:28:27.089 --> 00:28:29.289
what happened to me two years ago. So I think

642
00:28:29.309 --> 00:28:30.650
like so much of it is like, if we can

643
00:28:30.710 --> 00:28:33.250
just talk to each other and even if you're not

644
00:28:33.289 --> 00:28:36.170
partnered up, like talk to your friends about the stories

645
00:28:36.210 --> 00:28:38.930
we all tell ourselves and check them. Like, are they

646
00:28:39.009 --> 00:28:39.650
even true?

647
00:28:39.670 --> 00:28:42.769
You know? I also want to clarify, like, I think

648
00:28:42.789 --> 00:28:45.259
what you did is wonderful in that example. I would

649
00:28:45.279 --> 00:28:48.180
say like, You don't want to just be like constantly

650
00:28:48.220 --> 00:28:50.519
complaining about your body, but if you're actually sitting with

651
00:28:50.539 --> 00:28:52.900
something that's affecting you, I think that's great to share

652
00:28:52.920 --> 00:28:56.009
with your partner and like an actual conversation about it,

653
00:28:56.079 --> 00:28:58.500
you know? And it sounds like it was helpful and

654
00:28:58.519 --> 00:29:01.140
you got a little bit more of an accurate lens

655
00:29:01.220 --> 00:29:01.680
after that.

656
00:29:02.319 --> 00:29:04.160
Well, that's what's so cool. I think with communication is

657
00:29:04.200 --> 00:29:09.380
like nothing, literally nothing physically on my body changed after

658
00:29:09.420 --> 00:29:13.339
that conversation, but we immediately felt connected and closer. Exactly. Exactly.

659
00:29:14.009 --> 00:29:16.569
And felt more intimate as far as like just spending

660
00:29:16.589 --> 00:29:19.569
more time together. So it's like just checking those stories

661
00:29:19.609 --> 00:29:22.349
and having those conversations. So I guess to that point, Heather,

662
00:29:22.390 --> 00:29:25.730
like what are like two or three kind of reframes

663
00:29:26.049 --> 00:29:30.049
when someone's spiraling down that body confidence struggle that they

664
00:29:30.069 --> 00:29:31.519
can do to pull themselves out of it?

665
00:29:32.390 --> 00:29:34.869
Sometimes I think it's helpful to just like, like anxiety

666
00:29:34.890 --> 00:29:37.529
I think of is almost like a horse with blinders.

667
00:29:37.970 --> 00:29:41.819
Like you've really narrowed your whole world. into like this

668
00:29:41.950 --> 00:29:45.440
hyper fixation of what's wrong. And anything that's going to

669
00:29:45.480 --> 00:29:47.859
take the blinders off is helpful. So whether you're just

670
00:29:47.880 --> 00:29:50.759
like literally go on a walk and like, you're like, Oh, look,

671
00:29:50.779 --> 00:29:52.420
there's a whole world out here. There's all these other

672
00:29:52.460 --> 00:29:56.099
people and dogs and trees and whatever that can be helpful.

673
00:29:56.160 --> 00:29:58.710
Very simple. I also think it could be just like

674
00:29:58.809 --> 00:30:02.359
noticing other bodies out in the world and noticing that like, oh,

675
00:30:02.490 --> 00:30:05.200
I don't think they're terrible for having an older body.

676
00:30:05.220 --> 00:30:07.579
I don't think they're terrible for having a fatter body.

677
00:30:07.599 --> 00:30:10.319
I don't think they're terrible for having a body that's

678
00:30:10.339 --> 00:30:13.019
shaped differently than some other ones. We can be real

679
00:30:13.099 --> 00:30:18.759
assholes to ourselves. So sometimes realizing like, oh, I'm not

680
00:30:18.779 --> 00:30:20.680
being as much of an asshole to other people. Maybe

681
00:30:20.700 --> 00:30:22.119
I should be nice to myself too. Yeah.

682
00:30:24.029 --> 00:30:25.190
Novel concept.

683
00:30:25.619 --> 00:30:26.079
Wild.

684
00:30:26.140 --> 00:30:29.980
I know it is wild. I also think social media, man,

685
00:30:30.019 --> 00:30:33.190
like we've said it, but it's like, be ruthless when

686
00:30:33.210 --> 00:30:34.670
you're going through your social media.

687
00:30:34.690 --> 00:30:34.769
Yeah.

688
00:30:35.599 --> 00:30:38.980
If anything makes you feel bad about yourself, unfollow that account.

689
00:30:39.849 --> 00:30:40.829
Good idea.

690
00:30:41.069 --> 00:30:44.069
You know, whether even if it's like a body positivity,

691
00:30:44.190 --> 00:30:47.529
sometimes it could be like it is a body positive account,

692
00:30:47.650 --> 00:30:51.390
but you're comparing yourself to that person's body still and

693
00:30:51.410 --> 00:30:53.880
you're finding yourself lacking. So it is not affecting you

694
00:30:53.940 --> 00:30:57.099
in the desired way. So I think noticing that, like

695
00:30:57.160 --> 00:31:00.039
notice how you're actually being affected. Or it could be like, oh,

696
00:31:00.069 --> 00:31:02.569
it's a fitness account and I'm learning good form on

697
00:31:02.589 --> 00:31:05.109
my weightlifting. But it could be like, yeah, but every

698
00:31:05.150 --> 00:31:07.839
time you look at it, you're triggered because they have

699
00:31:07.890 --> 00:31:12.180
like zero body fat. So unfollowing stuff that doesn't work

700
00:31:12.240 --> 00:31:15.920
for you, even like TV, you know, I think actively

701
00:31:15.980 --> 00:31:18.440
seeking out stuff that does make you feel good. A

702
00:31:18.859 --> 00:31:20.579
couple of things I've done, I don't know how practical

703
00:31:20.619 --> 00:31:22.440
this is for people, but I've gone to a Korean

704
00:31:22.480 --> 00:31:27.430
spa where everyone's naked. and you see you see like

705
00:31:27.750 --> 00:31:30.470
normal people in all body types because You know, no

706
00:31:30.549 --> 00:31:32.869
one's trying to like look pretty for each other in

707
00:31:32.950 --> 00:31:35.809
like the steam room or the hot tub. And then

708
00:31:35.829 --> 00:31:38.349
I also like FetLife. I don't know if you guys

709
00:31:38.369 --> 00:31:40.269
talk about that, but it's, you know, FetLife is kind

710
00:31:40.289 --> 00:31:43.769
of the kinky Facebook. Yes, you'll see people who are professionals,

711
00:31:43.869 --> 00:31:46.930
but you'll see a lot of appreciation for different body types.

712
00:31:47.490 --> 00:31:49.390
And you'll see a lot of people even who like,

713
00:31:49.589 --> 00:31:51.829
I wasn't sure if I should post this or I

714
00:31:51.849 --> 00:31:53.750
wasn't feeling that confident, but I'm trying to push myself

715
00:31:53.789 --> 00:31:55.690
to post anyways. And then people will be like, oh,

716
00:31:55.710 --> 00:31:58.190
my God, sexy as fuck. So glad you posted or whatever.

717
00:31:58.210 --> 00:32:02.230
And you're like, oh, OK. So I think like seeing

718
00:32:02.279 --> 00:32:05.960
that other people are on that journey to seeing that

719
00:32:06.180 --> 00:32:09.140
somebody might have some stretch marks or some saggy skin

720
00:32:09.160 --> 00:32:12.980
or some scars or be larger or be less curvy

721
00:32:13.059 --> 00:32:16.960
or be whatever. And they've got a whole page of fans,

722
00:32:17.039 --> 00:32:20.369
you know, commenting on how hot they are. So like

723
00:32:20.430 --> 00:32:23.130
that was a good experience for me too, to see that.

724
00:32:23.170 --> 00:32:24.490
So I kind of think people just need to get

725
00:32:24.589 --> 00:32:26.829
out there. Like when you're feeling shitty, it's because you've

726
00:32:26.869 --> 00:32:30.660
got your blinders on. So whatever that looks like for you,

727
00:32:30.930 --> 00:32:33.750
take the blinders off, see the world around you and

728
00:32:34.410 --> 00:32:38.190
realize that your body is not perfect, but neither is

729
00:32:38.230 --> 00:32:40.890
anyone else's and it will never be perfect. And you

730
00:32:40.910 --> 00:32:41.730
have to make peace with that.

731
00:32:42.269 --> 00:32:44.049
Just my own personal story. I lost a lot of

732
00:32:44.130 --> 00:32:48.759
weight and I realized that I got way more sex.

733
00:32:49.480 --> 00:32:51.900
when I was 280 pounds. Oh my gosh.

734
00:32:51.940 --> 00:32:52.700
So interesting.

735
00:32:52.900 --> 00:32:58.440
Then I did when I was 180 pounds solely because

736
00:32:58.559 --> 00:33:02.339
it's how I walked in the world. And I portrayed

737
00:33:02.380 --> 00:33:06.299
myself because at 280 pounds, I knew I was fat.

738
00:33:06.700 --> 00:33:09.599
I knew I was big. I accepted it. And I

739
00:33:09.640 --> 00:33:11.680
didn't realize until I lost the weight, how much I

740
00:33:11.720 --> 00:33:15.099
accepted being big. And I was okay with it because I,

741
00:33:15.789 --> 00:33:18.690
It didn't bother me. It just didn't bother me. Whereas

742
00:33:18.750 --> 00:33:21.849
when I lost the weight, I am so much more

743
00:33:21.910 --> 00:33:24.690
paranoid now about gaining weight. I've gained a couple of

744
00:33:24.730 --> 00:33:28.250
stone in the last year. And I have got so

745
00:33:28.329 --> 00:33:32.490
much less confidence in myself now being even 80 pounds

746
00:33:32.549 --> 00:33:35.349
lighter than I was than I was when I was

747
00:33:35.349 --> 00:33:36.369
20 stone.

748
00:33:36.710 --> 00:33:39.039
Isn't it just fascinating? Yeah.

749
00:33:39.450 --> 00:33:41.059
I mean, talk about it being mindset.

750
00:33:41.200 --> 00:33:41.500
Yeah.

751
00:33:41.740 --> 00:33:42.119
Yeah.

752
00:33:42.200 --> 00:33:44.920
That was my experience too. It's like the weight was...

753
00:33:45.670 --> 00:33:47.650
so much less of the issue than I had been

754
00:33:47.710 --> 00:33:48.319
led to believe.

755
00:33:48.470 --> 00:33:48.710
Yeah.

756
00:33:48.730 --> 00:33:52.160
I mean, Smudge has like some really wild stories in

757
00:33:52.190 --> 00:33:54.500
her life. We'll just say that.

758
00:33:54.599 --> 00:33:57.359
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

759
00:33:57.660 --> 00:33:59.700
I would think that sometimes, Smudgy, honestly, like when you

760
00:33:59.720 --> 00:34:02.200
would tell stories about like, you know, your sexcapades or whatever.

761
00:34:02.579 --> 00:34:04.240
And I would think to myself, God, she talks about

762
00:34:04.279 --> 00:34:06.700
how she was overweight and, you know, what she weighed

763
00:34:06.740 --> 00:34:10.199
and the sexcapades that she would evolve. And it challenges

764
00:34:10.239 --> 00:34:12.599
my thinking because I'm like, oh, I just assumed that

765
00:34:12.639 --> 00:34:14.000
that couldn't possibly happen.

766
00:34:14.019 --> 00:34:14.400
Right.

767
00:34:14.750 --> 00:34:17.869
When you're heavy. But like you said, you just you

768
00:34:17.909 --> 00:34:20.760
walked with this confidence. That's so interesting that you walked

769
00:34:20.800 --> 00:34:23.340
with more confidence then than you do now. That's fascinating

770
00:34:23.360 --> 00:34:23.530
to me.

771
00:34:23.539 --> 00:34:27.280
Because I perfectly had accepted my body, but I didn't.

772
00:34:27.619 --> 00:34:29.559
I mean, I knew I was confident. I knew I

773
00:34:29.579 --> 00:34:31.860
was perfectly happy in my own skin, but I didn't

774
00:34:31.960 --> 00:34:34.989
realize just how much I was. Until I lost the

775
00:34:35.030 --> 00:34:38.650
weight and realized I am so much worse. Now I've

776
00:34:38.710 --> 00:34:39.170
lost the weight.

777
00:34:39.369 --> 00:34:43.090
For me, I've typically been naturally thin. But a couple

778
00:34:43.110 --> 00:34:45.079
of years ago, I was... I say anything on this pod.

779
00:34:45.139 --> 00:34:47.539
So I was addicted to Adderall very, very badly. And

780
00:34:47.860 --> 00:34:52.119
I'm 5'4. And I was like 110 pounds. But now,

781
00:34:52.400 --> 00:34:55.619
I'm healthy now. And I'm like 145. Which just works

782
00:34:55.639 --> 00:34:59.139
perfectly for my height and everything. But I didn't realize

783
00:34:59.179 --> 00:35:01.940
it at the time. I was self-conscious about being... too thin,

784
00:35:01.980 --> 00:35:04.760
but now people are just like, Julie, you look great now,

785
00:35:04.820 --> 00:35:07.230
like compared to how you looked before. Whereas I thought I,

786
00:35:08.090 --> 00:35:09.869
you grew up where it was like, you know, teeny culture,

787
00:35:09.909 --> 00:35:12.889
like we've been talking about. So even I was surprised

788
00:35:12.909 --> 00:35:15.650
when people were like, Julie, you didn't look well before.

789
00:35:16.250 --> 00:35:19.139
And even people saying that though, gave me more confidence

790
00:35:19.199 --> 00:35:21.199
being like, oh my God, now that I'm actually like

791
00:35:21.239 --> 00:35:24.679
caring about my body and things like that. Like it did.

792
00:35:24.719 --> 00:35:24.960
Yeah.

793
00:35:25.000 --> 00:35:26.159
That helped with the confidence too.

794
00:35:26.579 --> 00:35:27.179
That's amazing.

795
00:35:27.500 --> 00:35:30.780
Yeah, that's a whole other thing, right? Like when you're 110,

796
00:35:30.780 --> 00:35:32.800
because the ideal is to always be as skinny as possible.

797
00:35:32.860 --> 00:35:33.179
Yeah.

798
00:35:33.539 --> 00:35:34.159
Yeah, that's how I grew up.

799
00:35:34.159 --> 00:35:35.780
But then you were and it was like, no, that

800
00:35:35.800 --> 00:35:36.610
wasn't ideal.

801
00:35:36.630 --> 00:35:39.429
No, people are like, you look sick. Like you look sickly.

802
00:35:39.570 --> 00:35:39.849
Yeah.

803
00:35:39.869 --> 00:35:41.929
And now people are like, you look healthy. I'm like,

804
00:35:41.969 --> 00:35:42.949
oh my God, thank you.

805
00:35:43.789 --> 00:35:46.329
There was the whole fad about size zero. I mean,

806
00:35:46.369 --> 00:35:48.130
it even came out of the UK and we don't

807
00:35:48.210 --> 00:35:50.050
have a size zero over here, by the way.

808
00:35:50.070 --> 00:35:51.219
Okay. It's a six.

809
00:35:51.980 --> 00:35:54.360
You know, it's called a six over here, but we

810
00:35:54.480 --> 00:35:57.139
took up the mantle and it was in every fucking magazine,

811
00:35:57.530 --> 00:36:01.590
every billboard, size zero. And even when you go on the,

812
00:36:02.170 --> 00:36:05.909
you know, you see the, what's those weight loss TV shows?

813
00:36:05.989 --> 00:36:09.710
Like the biggest, no, the biggest loser. What's the advert?

814
00:36:09.789 --> 00:36:11.909
It's somebody with a really tight belt around a really

815
00:36:11.969 --> 00:36:15.349
thin waist, right? So once again, they're not telling you

816
00:36:15.389 --> 00:36:18.119
to be healthy. They're telling you to be thin. Yes.

817
00:36:18.489 --> 00:36:22.630
Yes. That's my issue as well.

818
00:36:22.710 --> 00:36:23.010
Yes.

819
00:36:23.110 --> 00:36:26.510
When my relative recently commented, they weren't saying I'm worried

820
00:36:26.539 --> 00:36:28.599
about your health. They're like, you've gotten a lot bigger.

821
00:36:28.619 --> 00:36:30.880
And then I think I think he tried to say

822
00:36:30.920 --> 00:36:36.469
something about how it maybe affected my dating life or career. Oh,

823
00:36:36.570 --> 00:36:38.070
I was like, oh, we're just going to stop that

824
00:36:38.130 --> 00:36:38.489
right here.

825
00:36:39.199 --> 00:36:39.639
Yeah, we are.

826
00:36:39.659 --> 00:36:42.110
I'm like, things are going better than ever at the

827
00:36:42.159 --> 00:36:44.030
exact weight and size that I currently am.

828
00:36:44.090 --> 00:36:44.679
Jesus.

829
00:36:44.820 --> 00:36:46.030
Oh, my God.

830
00:36:46.050 --> 00:36:47.250
God, I would have had to have handed them a

831
00:36:47.269 --> 00:36:48.829
tissue because their nose would have been bleeding.

832
00:36:48.989 --> 00:36:49.769
Yeah.

833
00:36:49.909 --> 00:36:52.230
I think I just am like, the thing is with

834
00:36:52.269 --> 00:36:55.869
all the other people, they're also a product of the society.

835
00:36:56.090 --> 00:36:58.449
Those are the messages they've received also.

836
00:36:58.670 --> 00:36:59.030
Yeah.

837
00:36:59.610 --> 00:37:02.849
So I just don't really take it that personally anymore, which, again,

838
00:37:02.889 --> 00:37:04.250
I'm grateful for and I've done a lot of work

839
00:37:04.289 --> 00:37:06.949
to get to that point. Mm-hmm. I'm glad I don't

840
00:37:07.010 --> 00:37:10.090
live under those beliefs anymore. I'm glad I'm not limiting myself.

841
00:37:10.280 --> 00:37:12.159
And I think that's what we have. I think ultimately

842
00:37:12.260 --> 00:37:15.199
that's the solution, right? Because I mean, I can remember

843
00:37:15.300 --> 00:37:18.119
like early college days for me. So many, many years ago,

844
00:37:18.659 --> 00:37:23.550
seeing lectures on advertisements and how women are portrayed in

845
00:37:23.610 --> 00:37:26.769
advertising and how the messages that were sent and how

846
00:37:26.809 --> 00:37:30.090
we need to change them. And I'm like, okay. And

847
00:37:30.170 --> 00:37:33.480
so now, 30 years later, it's the exact same message.

848
00:37:33.519 --> 00:37:36.599
Nothing has changed. If anything, they've gotten worse. I mean,

849
00:37:36.619 --> 00:37:39.699
Smudge over here, now it's a double zero. I can't.

850
00:37:39.940 --> 00:37:40.519
I can't.

851
00:37:41.360 --> 00:37:44.920
So it's like even worse. And so it has to,

852
00:37:45.340 --> 00:37:46.909
and this speaks to the work you do, Heather, like

853
00:37:47.260 --> 00:37:50.329
it has to come from within. Like our healing has

854
00:37:50.369 --> 00:37:54.030
to come from within. We can't rely on advertising changing.

855
00:37:54.050 --> 00:37:56.710
We can't rely on the patriarchy being dismantled.

856
00:37:56.750 --> 00:38:01.500
Oh, God, no. I've stopped long time, probably 20 years.

857
00:38:01.599 --> 00:38:05.159
I have not participated in conversations about diet and weight loss.

858
00:38:05.860 --> 00:38:07.860
So I think that was another thing that really helped

859
00:38:07.900 --> 00:38:09.739
me because it would be an easy thing to just

860
00:38:09.820 --> 00:38:12.159
chit chat about with friends. And so now if a

861
00:38:12.179 --> 00:38:13.559
friend wants to lose weight, I'm like, okay, cool. I

862
00:38:13.559 --> 00:38:14.119
hope that works out.

863
00:38:14.900 --> 00:38:17.619
Yeah.

864
00:38:18.019 --> 00:38:20.119
I just kind of don't really engage much. I don't

865
00:38:20.159 --> 00:38:23.239
really comment on people's weights anymore because I'm like, I

866
00:38:23.280 --> 00:38:25.099
think the point I got to in like my recent

867
00:38:25.139 --> 00:38:27.719
experience that I mentioned, like I was like, I certainly

868
00:38:27.780 --> 00:38:30.219
hope that my size is not the most interesting thing

869
00:38:30.260 --> 00:38:32.960
about me. Like if it is, I'm doing something wrong.

870
00:38:32.980 --> 00:38:34.239
Oh, my God. That's so good.

871
00:38:34.260 --> 00:38:34.340
Yeah.

872
00:38:35.940 --> 00:38:37.440
If the fact that one of my boobs is bigger

873
00:38:37.460 --> 00:38:39.300
than the other is the biggest part of the conversation,

874
00:38:39.320 --> 00:38:41.179
I need to have a different friend circle.

875
00:38:41.659 --> 00:38:42.650
Exactly.

876
00:38:42.969 --> 00:38:45.289
I mean, I'm still, I'm still friends with Smudge, even

877
00:38:45.329 --> 00:38:46.889
though she lost her labia minora.

878
00:38:46.909 --> 00:38:47.250
Yeah.

879
00:38:47.269 --> 00:38:47.730
Yeah.

880
00:38:47.929 --> 00:38:48.489
It's gone.

881
00:38:48.789 --> 00:38:52.269
Yeah. You know, you talk about those doctors that do,

882
00:38:52.309 --> 00:38:54.659
you know, the labia operations. Do you think they have

883
00:38:54.679 --> 00:38:55.199
any spares?

884
00:38:57.539 --> 00:38:59.260
Just some extra labia laying around?

885
00:38:59.280 --> 00:39:01.699
Just going, you know, laying around because yeah.

886
00:39:01.719 --> 00:39:04.610
That'd be hilarious. I'm imagining like a labia closet. Yeah.

887
00:39:06.019 --> 00:39:07.000
In a jar.

888
00:39:08.039 --> 00:39:10.280
But then I'm laughing about it, but I'm not being funny.

889
00:39:10.300 --> 00:39:12.019
But if a guy was going down on me, I'm

890
00:39:12.079 --> 00:39:13.900
sure the first thing he wasn't going to say was,

891
00:39:13.920 --> 00:39:17.659
where's your fucking labium and oregon? No. He's just happy

892
00:39:17.679 --> 00:39:18.570
to be down there.

893
00:39:18.619 --> 00:39:18.909
Yeah.

894
00:39:18.949 --> 00:39:20.469
You got to work on his dirty talk if that's

895
00:39:20.510 --> 00:39:20.949
the case.

896
00:39:21.070 --> 00:39:27.030
So talking about partners, Kazza just mentioned what a great

897
00:39:27.070 --> 00:39:28.690
conversation she had with her wife.

898
00:39:28.989 --> 00:39:29.949
Yeah. Yes.

899
00:39:30.159 --> 00:39:33.079
And I know that Jules has had some great conversations

900
00:39:33.159 --> 00:39:33.739
with Matt.

901
00:39:33.980 --> 00:39:34.840
Yes.

902
00:39:34.860 --> 00:39:37.699
So what is it that partners do get wrong when

903
00:39:37.849 --> 00:39:40.730
they're trying to reassure somebody about their body? What are

904
00:39:40.809 --> 00:39:43.710
the things that backfire? What's the no-nos? What's the, you know?

905
00:39:43.730 --> 00:39:47.880
I mean, I'm imagining someone saying like, Oh, I've just

906
00:39:47.920 --> 00:39:50.039
gained some weight. And the partner's like, don't worry, you'll

907
00:39:50.079 --> 00:39:52.159
lose it. You know, like if it was something like that,

908
00:39:52.280 --> 00:39:55.639
like it could accidentally reinforce, you know?

909
00:39:55.659 --> 00:39:56.500
Yeah. Yeah.

910
00:39:56.539 --> 00:39:56.800
Yeah.

911
00:39:56.980 --> 00:39:57.139
Yeah.

912
00:39:57.159 --> 00:40:00.050
Yeah. So you don't want to accidentally reinforce the idea

913
00:40:00.090 --> 00:40:03.750
that like you are only acceptable if. xyz changes okay

914
00:40:04.050 --> 00:40:06.289
i think just reminding your partner that like you see

915
00:40:06.309 --> 00:40:08.750
them as a whole person you know like it's like

916
00:40:08.769 --> 00:40:13.250
you're not just a cup size or a bubble butt

917
00:40:13.590 --> 00:40:16.769
or a stretch mark or a scar you know it's

918
00:40:16.789 --> 00:40:20.190
like you're a whole person attraction does change things change

919
00:40:20.230 --> 00:40:23.079
over the years body changes and that can affect how

920
00:40:23.119 --> 00:40:25.940
much a partner is attracted and so often partners are

921
00:40:25.980 --> 00:40:29.110
kind of like should i not say something Like if

922
00:40:29.150 --> 00:40:31.849
I'm not attracted, because I think we've also gotten to

923
00:40:31.869 --> 00:40:34.719
the point in society where it's like, you're not supposed

924
00:40:34.760 --> 00:40:37.460
to comment on someone's weight or body. But I guess

925
00:40:37.500 --> 00:40:40.480
I will say if that's the truth, I kind of

926
00:40:40.500 --> 00:40:42.739
think you do need to say it because it's the truth.

927
00:40:42.800 --> 00:40:45.000
And to me, honesty is a big part of intimacy.

928
00:40:45.019 --> 00:40:47.179
And then you have to go from there because if

929
00:40:47.199 --> 00:40:50.280
you're just like, hey, you know, you've gained. a hundred

930
00:40:50.300 --> 00:40:53.039
pounds and I'm not as attracted to you anymore. I

931
00:40:53.099 --> 00:40:55.539
love you. Usually the partner's like, I love them just

932
00:40:55.579 --> 00:40:58.239
as much. The companionship is so wonderful. I'm just not

933
00:40:58.280 --> 00:41:00.849
feeling the attraction I want to feel. And I'm not

934
00:41:00.889 --> 00:41:02.130
sure what to do about it. And I don't want

935
00:41:02.170 --> 00:41:03.409
to blame you. And I don't want you to have

936
00:41:03.429 --> 00:41:05.630
to like change your body, but like, this is the

937
00:41:05.670 --> 00:41:09.670
truth of where I'm at. I think, I think partners

938
00:41:09.730 --> 00:41:11.750
need to kind of be able to be honest and

939
00:41:11.789 --> 00:41:13.409
have those conversations that are really hard.

940
00:41:13.710 --> 00:41:15.510
And I guess if they're really hard, like maybe, do

941
00:41:15.530 --> 00:41:16.269
them with a therapist.

942
00:41:16.869 --> 00:41:18.800
For sure. Like, I do think that would be a

943
00:41:18.840 --> 00:41:21.300
good one to do, you know, with a therapist, especially,

944
00:41:21.320 --> 00:41:23.139
I mean, it depends on the people, but like, if

945
00:41:23.159 --> 00:41:25.099
you're going to take it personally, if you already are

946
00:41:25.139 --> 00:41:27.320
shaming your own body, if you're already really hard on yourself,

947
00:41:27.360 --> 00:41:29.340
for sure. Like, get some support with that.

948
00:41:29.510 --> 00:41:31.570
We actually had one question that someone submitted when we

949
00:41:31.630 --> 00:41:35.230
asked for their input that is along this topic. So

950
00:41:35.250 --> 00:41:37.329
this person wrote in and said, my partner keeps making

951
00:41:37.409 --> 00:41:39.829
small dick jokes about himself and I never know how

952
00:41:39.869 --> 00:41:43.239
to respond. he's an average-ish dude but i don't want

953
00:41:43.260 --> 00:41:46.559
to sound fake and just say um it's amazing it

954
00:41:46.599 --> 00:41:48.760
seems odd to me so how can i help my

955
00:41:48.820 --> 00:41:50.179
partner's confidence.

956
00:41:50.179 --> 00:41:52.579
Again yeah that is good i would be honest i

957
00:41:52.599 --> 00:41:55.170
would be like you have a perfectly normal healthy penis

958
00:41:55.769 --> 00:41:57.269
yeah so you don't have to say it's huge if

959
00:41:57.309 --> 00:41:59.590
it's not huge but you can also be like babe

960
00:41:59.630 --> 00:42:01.590
i think you're like a little bit delusional that like

961
00:42:01.610 --> 00:42:03.429
you're talking like you have a tiny penis and you

962
00:42:03.469 --> 00:42:06.030
just like don't yeah.

963
00:42:05.670 --> 00:42:09.280
I love your penis like right right so i mean

964
00:42:09.320 --> 00:42:10.659
like give it a kiss Right.

965
00:42:10.679 --> 00:42:13.280
It sounds like there's some dysmorphia there. So, I mean,

966
00:42:13.320 --> 00:42:16.000
that I think that could also be some feedback, you know, like, hey,

967
00:42:16.019 --> 00:42:18.800
it seems like you're not actually perceiving this accurately. And

968
00:42:18.820 --> 00:42:21.510
I know it's bothering you. Like, I'm happy with your penis.

969
00:42:21.590 --> 00:42:24.429
I love it. But I know I can't convince you

970
00:42:24.449 --> 00:42:25.710
because that's the thing.

971
00:42:25.769 --> 00:42:25.949
Right.

972
00:42:26.289 --> 00:42:28.630
We can't convince someone to feel differently about their body

973
00:42:29.030 --> 00:42:31.369
than they do. So we can say we can give

974
00:42:31.409 --> 00:42:34.050
it all the compliments. We can kind of accurately reflect

975
00:42:34.070 --> 00:42:37.210
back like our experience of the penis or the pussy

976
00:42:37.250 --> 00:42:38.880
or the whatever it is. Right.

977
00:42:38.889 --> 00:42:39.449
Yeah.

978
00:42:39.469 --> 00:42:39.610
Yeah.

979
00:42:40.360 --> 00:42:42.739
But that's not necessary. I would say in most cases

980
00:42:42.760 --> 00:42:46.630
that doesn't change how the person feels. So if it persists,

981
00:42:46.690 --> 00:42:49.409
I would say that like, you know, that might just

982
00:42:49.429 --> 00:42:51.929
be some work they need to do with a therapist.

983
00:42:53.170 --> 00:42:53.590
Yeah.

984
00:42:53.829 --> 00:42:55.730
I was just thinking about this too with partners. I've

985
00:42:55.869 --> 00:42:57.769
had like friends come up to me and say like,

986
00:42:57.909 --> 00:42:59.690
when my partner will say, you know, if I say

987
00:42:59.769 --> 00:43:01.750
something like, maybe they're not like, oh, I'm gaining weight,

988
00:43:01.769 --> 00:43:03.260
but something like, I just don't feel as pretty as

989
00:43:03.320 --> 00:43:05.699
I used to. And they're saying like, they're looking, almost

990
00:43:05.820 --> 00:43:07.789
looking for reassurance, but not in like a.

991
00:43:08.320 --> 00:43:08.800
Do you know what I mean?

992
00:43:08.820 --> 00:43:11.179
Not in like a, oh, babe, you're fine.

993
00:43:11.739 --> 00:43:12.619
Right, right, right, right.

994
00:43:12.639 --> 00:43:14.099
Do you know what I mean? So I don't know

995
00:43:14.119 --> 00:43:15.940
if there's a different way for partners to approach that

996
00:43:15.960 --> 00:43:19.130
instead of just being like, oh, you're great, honey. Because

997
00:43:19.250 --> 00:43:21.469
I've had people be like, that didn't help me at all. Like,

998
00:43:21.510 --> 00:43:23.010
were they even listening?

999
00:43:23.030 --> 00:43:23.750
I don't know.

1000
00:43:23.789 --> 00:43:26.309
Is there like a different way to kind of reassure

1001
00:43:26.349 --> 00:43:27.449
without sounding like you're.

1002
00:43:28.429 --> 00:43:32.309
Yeah, reassuring is interesting because like if you find your

1003
00:43:32.329 --> 00:43:35.699
partner attractive, yes, reassure them. You know, but I would

1004
00:43:35.780 --> 00:43:38.940
even be proactive, like offer compliments, not just when it

1005
00:43:38.960 --> 00:43:41.400
comes up, not just when they're complaining. That's probably going

1006
00:43:41.420 --> 00:43:43.860
to go a bit further. I think what you use

1007
00:43:43.900 --> 00:43:47.320
the word feeling, Julie, and I think that's important because

1008
00:43:47.360 --> 00:43:50.110
what I've learned through working with people on body image,

1009
00:43:50.230 --> 00:43:55.309
you know, over 20 years is it has nothing to

1010
00:43:55.349 --> 00:43:57.269
do with what they look like. So I think if

1011
00:43:57.309 --> 00:44:00.150
we can understand that, like body image has nothing to

1012
00:44:00.170 --> 00:44:05.619
do with your actual body. It's so weird. But it

1013
00:44:05.659 --> 00:44:08.659
really doesn't because I'm like, I'll, you know, have older

1014
00:44:08.739 --> 00:44:12.039
people who don't fit the norm or fatter people who

1015
00:44:12.099 --> 00:44:15.630
whatever don't fit the societal standard feel great. And then

1016
00:44:15.650 --> 00:44:17.769
I'll have someone who kind of looks just like what

1017
00:44:17.809 --> 00:44:21.420
you think everyone wants to look like feel horrible. And

1018
00:44:21.440 --> 00:44:24.949
you'll hear about supermodels feeling bad about their body or

1019
00:44:24.969 --> 00:44:27.869
being like, oh, well, it's airbrushed or, oh, well, it's whatever,

1020
00:44:27.889 --> 00:44:30.909
kind of making excuses and stuff. I think if we

1021
00:44:30.949 --> 00:44:33.889
can separate that– because sometimes what can happen is we

1022
00:44:33.969 --> 00:44:38.989
invalidate an accident where somebody might be pretty close to

1023
00:44:39.010 --> 00:44:44.090
the societal ideals looks-wise, but they're not feeling good about themselves.

1024
00:44:44.150 --> 00:44:46.610
And we're like, oh, but you're perfect and you're thin

1025
00:44:46.659 --> 00:44:48.440
and you have perky boobs and you have whatever. And

1026
00:44:49.119 --> 00:44:51.900
the person is like– Yep. Okay. I guess I just

1027
00:44:51.920 --> 00:44:52.860
can't talk to you about this.

1028
00:44:52.900 --> 00:44:54.239
Right. Like that's not how I feel.

1029
00:44:54.760 --> 00:44:54.940
Yeah.

1030
00:44:54.980 --> 00:44:56.539
Like I guess it's bad. It's wrong for me to

1031
00:44:56.579 --> 00:44:57.139
feel this way.

1032
00:44:57.199 --> 00:44:57.449
Yeah.

1033
00:44:57.659 --> 00:44:58.050
Yeah.

1034
00:44:58.110 --> 00:44:59.750
I don't have a right to. Yeah.

1035
00:44:59.849 --> 00:45:02.610
I would say like my number one communication tip in general,

1036
00:45:02.630 --> 00:45:05.630
whether it's body image or something else is like first

1037
00:45:05.869 --> 00:45:10.780
really try to understand very deeply before responding. So I

1038
00:45:10.800 --> 00:45:14.289
think the more we can stay in curiosity and And

1039
00:45:14.329 --> 00:45:16.170
try to understand our partner. The more they're going to

1040
00:45:16.210 --> 00:45:18.389
feel safe, the more they're going to feel validated, the

1041
00:45:18.449 --> 00:45:20.659
more they're going to feel really like deeply understood and

1042
00:45:20.760 --> 00:45:23.320
seen as a human. That alone is going to go

1043
00:45:23.340 --> 00:45:25.500
a long way. But when we get to that deeper

1044
00:45:25.559 --> 00:45:28.119
level of understanding and like what's the meaning behind it?

1045
00:45:28.239 --> 00:45:30.659
And like when you think this way about yourself, like

1046
00:45:30.719 --> 00:45:33.210
how do you feel? How do you show up? Then

1047
00:45:33.230 --> 00:45:35.710
the solutions arise. You know, we try to jump to

1048
00:45:35.730 --> 00:45:37.190
solutions too quick. Yes.

1049
00:45:37.329 --> 00:45:37.590
Yeah.

1050
00:45:38.480 --> 00:45:40.599
Like, I'm very instant gratification, so I get that.

1051
00:45:40.699 --> 00:45:41.780
I mean, me too, yeah.

1052
00:45:41.820 --> 00:45:44.280
Yeah, I try to find it immediately.

1053
00:45:44.579 --> 00:45:50.000
So how does the conversation work shift when it's, say,

1054
00:45:50.219 --> 00:45:53.519
the trans community? So for a trans man or a

1055
00:45:53.559 --> 00:45:57.300
trans woman, how do your conversations and the thought process,

1056
00:45:57.320 --> 00:46:01.630
do they bring some of the insecurities from their birth,

1057
00:46:02.070 --> 00:46:07.860
you know, gender into their transgender life? Or how does

1058
00:46:07.880 --> 00:46:08.880
the conversation change?

1059
00:46:09.440 --> 00:46:11.519
So I'll start by saying I'm not like the most

1060
00:46:11.619 --> 00:46:14.500
experienced working with the trans community, but I do have

1061
00:46:14.579 --> 00:46:18.000
some experience and training with it. And I think there's

1062
00:46:18.039 --> 00:46:21.579
a lot of overlap in terms of, you know, body messages.

1063
00:46:21.659 --> 00:46:24.960
But the main difference is like when your outsides don't

1064
00:46:25.000 --> 00:46:28.059
match who you really feel like you are on the inside,

1065
00:46:28.340 --> 00:46:31.460
that is a different level, right? This isn't just sort

1066
00:46:31.480 --> 00:46:34.000
of like, oh, we're nitpicking. You know, this is like,

1067
00:46:34.510 --> 00:46:37.980
There's a mismatch there. I think that that's important to

1068
00:46:38.039 --> 00:46:42.019
keep in mind when someone's talking about, you know, having

1069
00:46:42.059 --> 00:46:47.349
surgeries or getting on hormones to realize like this is

1070
00:46:47.369 --> 00:46:51.429
going to bring more alignment to like their everyday life

1071
00:46:51.650 --> 00:46:54.090
and that this is an enormous burden that they've been

1072
00:46:54.130 --> 00:46:57.260
living with. So because I think that was something that

1073
00:46:57.300 --> 00:46:59.260
came up earlier where like, how do we know if

1074
00:46:59.300 --> 00:47:02.480
it's just like garden variety, occasional negative thought about your

1075
00:47:02.500 --> 00:47:05.880
body versus, you know, this is actually like an issue

1076
00:47:05.900 --> 00:47:08.340
that needs to be addressed. So I think, yeah, I

1077
00:47:08.380 --> 00:47:10.280
think if you're trans, that tends to be more of

1078
00:47:10.320 --> 00:47:13.150
an issue with the body dysmorphia. And also, I think

1079
00:47:13.170 --> 00:47:16.429
just understanding like everyone's trans experience is going to look different.

1080
00:47:17.659 --> 00:47:20.269
Some people are going to want to have top surgery.

1081
00:47:20.329 --> 00:47:24.369
Some people might not. Some people are going to want

1082
00:47:24.409 --> 00:47:26.739
to have bottom surgery. Some are not. Some people are

1083
00:47:26.960 --> 00:47:31.539
going to want to have facial changes that they're making,

1084
00:47:32.260 --> 00:47:35.360
whether through surgery or other cosmetic things. I mean, it's

1085
00:47:35.429 --> 00:47:37.219
the same thing when you look at it that way.

1086
00:47:37.239 --> 00:47:40.099
It's like, let's just stop putting people into a box. Right.

1087
00:47:40.119 --> 00:47:41.800
It's like we as women, we don't want to be

1088
00:47:41.840 --> 00:47:43.300
put into a box. Men don't want to be put

1089
00:47:43.340 --> 00:47:44.920
into a box. Trans people don't want to be put

1090
00:47:44.940 --> 00:47:45.599
into a box either.

1091
00:47:45.619 --> 00:47:45.960
Right.

1092
00:47:46.019 --> 00:47:49.780
So I think like the more we can, again, stay curious,

1093
00:47:49.900 --> 00:47:52.980
not objectify people, look at them as a whole person,

1094
00:47:53.099 --> 00:47:56.579
look at their total experience and try to deeply understand,

1095
00:47:56.840 --> 00:47:58.159
you know, I think the better off we're going to be.

1096
00:47:58.460 --> 00:48:01.039
Yeah, just a brief story on it. I've got a

1097
00:48:01.099 --> 00:48:04.880
friend who was born female and transitioned into a male.

1098
00:48:06.039 --> 00:48:12.119
And he said to me that his experiences of hating

1099
00:48:12.860 --> 00:48:16.500
his body when he was a female, when he transitioned

1100
00:48:16.760 --> 00:48:19.929
into a male, he just morphed into somebody with full

1101
00:48:20.050 --> 00:48:24.289
body confidence. And he said that his experience was when

1102
00:48:24.409 --> 00:48:28.820
he was female, the role of... a woman was to

1103
00:48:28.900 --> 00:48:32.239
always be body conscious and self-conscious about their body and

1104
00:48:32.329 --> 00:48:37.769
not confident around sex but when he transitioned yeah his

1105
00:48:37.829 --> 00:48:41.329
confidence just went through the roof and he morphed into

1106
00:48:41.650 --> 00:48:42.829
a really confident man.

1107
00:48:43.269 --> 00:48:46.170
Wow that is really fascinating because i feel like there's

1108
00:48:46.190 --> 00:48:48.389
two there's two pieces there there's the piece of like

1109
00:48:48.710 --> 00:48:52.000
his outsides match his insides finally so there's some relief

1110
00:48:52.019 --> 00:48:54.360
probably with that but then also like oh i'm a

1111
00:48:54.400 --> 00:48:57.909
man i'm not just judged by my appearance anymore that's what.

1112
00:48:57.789 --> 00:48:59.329
He said that's exactly what.

1113
00:48:59.269 --> 00:49:02.639
He said that's so crazy framed it wow shows how

1114
00:49:03.179 --> 00:49:06.920
shows how layered this is it's so layered fortunately in

1115
00:49:07.139 --> 00:49:07.599
in our.

1116
00:49:07.539 --> 00:49:09.380
World in the world we speak speak about here on

1117
00:49:09.400 --> 00:49:11.400
the podcast and stuff and in the audio erotica world

1118
00:49:11.579 --> 00:49:16.809
there's a huge uptick in like body confidence audios of

1119
00:49:17.210 --> 00:49:20.519
all different kinds whether it's curve appreciation or like disability

1120
00:49:20.559 --> 00:49:23.260
and desire, like whatever it might be. It's really, so

1121
00:49:23.300 --> 00:49:25.860
we talked earlier about like traditional porn and like the clamshell,

1122
00:49:25.940 --> 00:49:29.750
you know, and so with audio erotica, that is completely

1123
00:49:29.789 --> 00:49:32.429
stripped away. And, and so I'm curious, like, what are

1124
00:49:32.449 --> 00:49:36.280
your thoughts on like erotica or like audio porn? As

1125
00:49:36.320 --> 00:49:40.059
a body confidence tool, since it strips out that visual comparison. Love.

1126
00:49:40.639 --> 00:49:43.019
I'm a fan of audio erotica in general, and I

1127
00:49:43.320 --> 00:49:47.449
frequently will recommend it to my female clients, especially who

1128
00:49:47.489 --> 00:49:49.730
are maybe not as into like video stuff. And I

1129
00:49:49.789 --> 00:49:52.650
also just love that like it kind of encourages creativity,

1130
00:49:53.230 --> 00:49:56.230
you know, and I think creativity is so important for sex.

1131
00:49:56.769 --> 00:49:59.389
And like audio erotica gives us that little hint, but

1132
00:49:59.409 --> 00:50:01.610
then it sort of lets our own imagination like fill

1133
00:50:01.650 --> 00:50:03.989
in the blanks and kind of run wild, which I

1134
00:50:04.010 --> 00:50:04.800
think is really fun.

1135
00:50:05.289 --> 00:50:07.329
And it's also cool. I know you're familiar with Quinn

1136
00:50:07.489 --> 00:50:10.530
and other audio erotica platforms, but it's like the whole

1137
00:50:10.570 --> 00:50:13.710
kind of immersion piece of it is like having you

1138
00:50:13.789 --> 00:50:16.230
as the listener be the other party in the story.

1139
00:50:16.250 --> 00:50:17.530
Yeah.

1140
00:50:17.690 --> 00:50:19.570
I mean, you can listen to narratives, too, but I

1141
00:50:19.610 --> 00:50:21.570
think there's something there, too. I hear from a lot

1142
00:50:21.590 --> 00:50:23.809
of women in the communities who, you know, there are

1143
00:50:23.829 --> 00:50:26.590
a couple, two creators that jump to mind right now

1144
00:50:26.679 --> 00:50:30.239
are Peaches and Dr. Rapture are two creators on Quinn.

1145
00:50:30.780 --> 00:50:33.579
who are very like body positive audios. And so they

1146
00:50:33.619 --> 00:50:35.480
talk about how much they love the squish of the

1147
00:50:35.519 --> 00:50:38.159
tummy or, and so, so many women in the community

1148
00:50:38.469 --> 00:50:40.750
say like they're drawn to creators like that because they,

1149
00:50:41.230 --> 00:50:44.170
They find that their own confidence about their body has

1150
00:50:44.269 --> 00:50:48.889
improved as a result of even experiencing that someone does

1151
00:50:48.989 --> 00:50:52.400
more than just tolerate that, but they actually love it.

1152
00:50:52.420 --> 00:50:55.679
So it's, I mean, we try to scream from the rooftops, right, guys? Like,

1153
00:50:56.059 --> 00:50:57.159
listen to audio erotica.

1154
00:50:57.679 --> 00:51:00.699
Do it, please, please. It will change your life.

1155
00:51:01.179 --> 00:51:02.199
It will change your life.

1156
00:51:02.239 --> 00:51:02.739
Really well.

1157
00:51:03.619 --> 00:51:06.739
But I also think it's very, because it's obviously not

1158
00:51:06.760 --> 00:51:10.070
visual and it's audio, if you still don't like curve

1159
00:51:10.090 --> 00:51:13.489
appreciation audios, I think it's because you have a real,

1160
00:51:13.750 --> 00:51:16.949
real issue with your own confidence and your own body confidence.

1161
00:51:16.969 --> 00:51:21.869
It's not necessarily that it's not inclusive. I've, you know,

1162
00:51:22.269 --> 00:51:23.650
as I've gained a little bit of weight over the

1163
00:51:23.690 --> 00:51:26.349
last year, I've listened to some of the curve appreciation,

1164
00:51:26.369 --> 00:51:29.360
a couple of the curve appreciation audios, but I've still

1165
00:51:29.440 --> 00:51:34.550
felt very self-conscious about because they're highlighting it and i

1166
00:51:34.570 --> 00:51:36.539
don't want it highlighted i want it hidden to the

1167
00:51:36.579 --> 00:51:37.739
carpet i think.

1168
00:51:37.599 --> 00:51:40.059
Some of his identity smudge like when you were talking

1169
00:51:40.159 --> 00:51:42.980
about you know at 280 you were just like i

1170
00:51:43.039 --> 00:51:44.780
know who i am and i accept it it sounds

1171
00:51:44.800 --> 00:51:46.510
like there was just sort of like an ownership of

1172
00:51:46.530 --> 00:51:48.570
like this is who i am but it seems like

1173
00:51:49.050 --> 00:51:50.289
and i think this is part of the hard thing

1174
00:51:50.329 --> 00:51:52.849
about weight loss it's like well if i'm 100 pounds

1175
00:51:52.889 --> 00:51:54.550
less than who am i or from 80 pounds less

1176
00:51:54.590 --> 00:51:56.599
who am i and if i gain 20 more then

1177
00:51:56.639 --> 00:52:00.219
who i think sometimes we're taught as women again it's

1178
00:52:00.239 --> 00:52:02.659
like well here's the different categories you can fit into

1179
00:52:02.719 --> 00:52:04.599
but it's like what if you're in between or what

1180
00:52:04.659 --> 00:52:07.389
if there's no category you seem to fit into.

1181
00:52:07.190 --> 00:52:09.909
Yeah yeah I think my biggest way I was confident

1182
00:52:10.010 --> 00:52:11.730
because I'd spent a lot of time in that body

1183
00:52:12.230 --> 00:52:16.489
yeah and now I seem to fluctuate and I don't

1184
00:52:16.530 --> 00:52:18.789
have time to settle it's constant but I feel like

1185
00:52:18.849 --> 00:52:21.079
every week my body is changing.

1186
00:52:20.760 --> 00:52:24.679
Yeah Menopause too. I mean, it's just really, I mean,

1187
00:52:24.780 --> 00:52:26.559
I know we like, it's like beating a dead horse,

1188
00:52:26.579 --> 00:52:28.219
but really like, I mean, Samad, you and I have

1189
00:52:28.239 --> 00:52:30.659
talked about this too. Like it's, it literally, your body,

1190
00:52:30.679 --> 00:52:33.719
you don't recognize your body anymore. Like the way that

1191
00:52:33.760 --> 00:52:36.760
the weight redistributes, even if you're not overweight, it just,

1192
00:52:37.260 --> 00:52:39.400
things move in your body that you're like, wait a minute,

1193
00:52:39.440 --> 00:52:42.550
things have never been snug here. Like you don't recognize

1194
00:52:42.570 --> 00:52:42.989
your body.

1195
00:52:43.650 --> 00:52:44.690
It's so different.

1196
00:52:44.730 --> 00:52:47.530
There's something about that. Like everyone's body changes too. I

1197
00:52:47.570 --> 00:52:50.409
think that's important to address. Literally zero of us will

1198
00:52:50.429 --> 00:52:52.230
stay in the same body our whole lives. Like all

1199
00:52:52.250 --> 00:52:54.670
of our bodies will change in some way, but I

1200
00:52:54.730 --> 00:52:57.030
think we're sort of set up to think it's supposed

1201
00:52:57.050 --> 00:52:59.929
to stay the same. Nobody like really prepares us. And

1202
00:52:59.969 --> 00:53:02.019
so it's like, I think learning how to roll with

1203
00:53:02.039 --> 00:53:04.300
the punches with the body changes is like a whole

1204
00:53:04.320 --> 00:53:07.190
skill set, to be honest, that we could I could

1205
00:53:07.230 --> 00:53:08.469
keep learning that better for sure.

1206
00:53:08.650 --> 00:53:10.190
I never even thought of that. Like what you just

1207
00:53:10.230 --> 00:53:11.969
said triggered me because like they talk about like as

1208
00:53:11.989 --> 00:53:14.369
you're aging, you know, make sure you're exercising. And yes,

1209
00:53:14.409 --> 00:53:16.730
you're you're exercising more and taking better care of your

1210
00:53:16.769 --> 00:53:20.849
body for like bone health and for heart health and

1211
00:53:20.869 --> 00:53:23.150
all that kind of stuff. But we see it as.

1212
00:53:23.880 --> 00:53:25.840
oh my gosh, you're starting to look different than you

1213
00:53:25.900 --> 00:53:27.780
used to, so hurry up and exercise and eat better

1214
00:53:27.820 --> 00:53:29.500
so you can continue to look like you were 20.

1215
00:53:29.500 --> 00:53:31.280
It's like, you're not going to look like you're 20

1216
00:53:31.280 --> 00:53:32.559
when you're 50. You're not.

1217
00:53:34.260 --> 00:53:35.869
It doesn't matter how many push-ups I'm going to do,

1218
00:53:35.889 --> 00:53:37.369
my leg will not return.

1219
00:53:38.570 --> 00:53:39.369
It's not.

1220
00:53:40.309 --> 00:53:42.269
It's such a thing that has been with us our

1221
00:53:42.309 --> 00:53:45.690
entire lives and we're still not used to it. No.

1222
00:53:46.090 --> 00:53:50.199
Body confidence has never, you know, it's always talked about

1223
00:53:50.219 --> 00:53:53.269
or you visually see it or somebody else one of

1224
00:53:53.309 --> 00:53:54.690
your friends if you're not going through it one of

1225
00:53:54.710 --> 00:53:59.690
your friends is it's constant noise isn't it yeah confidence

1226
00:53:59.730 --> 00:54:02.869
noise how do you you heather you said you kind

1227
00:54:02.949 --> 00:54:05.849
of shut yourself off from that how how do you do.

1228
00:54:05.780 --> 00:54:08.800
That well i'll i shut myself off from a lot

1229
00:54:08.820 --> 00:54:11.380
of the negative media messages as much as possible like

1230
00:54:11.440 --> 00:54:13.360
i opt out of ads i pay extra to have

1231
00:54:13.400 --> 00:54:15.659
like premium of all my streaming services so i don't

1232
00:54:15.699 --> 00:54:18.010
have to like deal with the ads After a lot

1233
00:54:18.030 --> 00:54:21.199
of it. I'm not a big social media person. I

1234
00:54:21.219 --> 00:54:25.519
have professional accounts and I, I ruthlessly unfollow anything that

1235
00:54:25.559 --> 00:54:27.920
doesn't feel good, but I definitely don't feel like I'm

1236
00:54:28.099 --> 00:54:30.639
immune to the body changes thing. Like, I think that

1237
00:54:30.679 --> 00:54:36.030
has been really tough as I'm navigating, you know, intestinal,

1238
00:54:36.050 --> 00:54:38.949
like I've got, I think I have intestinal methanogen overgrowth.

1239
00:54:38.969 --> 00:54:40.849
So I'm like, okay, I'm like bloated and there's like

1240
00:54:40.929 --> 00:54:42.909
trapped gas. And I'm like belching. I'm like, this isn't,

1241
00:54:43.130 --> 00:54:44.489
I'm like, I do not find this sexy.

1242
00:54:44.510 --> 00:54:44.590
Yeah.

1243
00:54:46.789 --> 00:54:48.590
It does not feel sexy. I do not feel sexy.

1244
00:54:48.610 --> 00:54:49.820
You need a Belch appreciation.

1245
00:54:49.840 --> 00:54:51.719
I was going to say, we could find you an audio.

1246
00:54:51.760 --> 00:54:53.280
Oh my goodness. We probably could.

1247
00:54:53.300 --> 00:54:57.940
Probably. There's like a fetish for everything, but looking at you, Doc.

1248
00:54:58.769 --> 00:55:01.190
I know. So like there's, you know, so it's like

1249
00:55:01.210 --> 00:55:03.710
there's some of that stuff where I'm like, OK. And

1250
00:55:03.829 --> 00:55:06.170
so it does affect like how I feel about myself

1251
00:55:06.329 --> 00:55:08.750
or when I get headaches because it's harder for me

1252
00:55:08.789 --> 00:55:11.860
to spend time outside because I'm so sensitive to, you know,

1253
00:55:12.000 --> 00:55:14.099
all these like mast cell triggers. So like I have

1254
00:55:14.119 --> 00:55:16.280
to do my own work. The work, I'm sure you

1255
00:55:16.300 --> 00:55:19.130
guys know, the work is never over, y'all. Sometimes you

1256
00:55:19.150 --> 00:55:21.250
can be like, I've been working, I've worked on so

1257
00:55:21.289 --> 00:55:23.389
many things. I've healed so many things. Why do I

1258
00:55:23.429 --> 00:55:26.389
get to graduate when you die? Sorry.

1259
00:55:27.800 --> 00:55:29.340
Keep going.

1260
00:55:29.739 --> 00:55:31.579
How much navel gazing can I possibly do?

1261
00:55:31.599 --> 00:55:35.900
That's what like, like life is going to keep handing

1262
00:55:35.980 --> 00:55:38.840
us stuff that we haven't figured out yet. And that's good.

1263
00:55:38.909 --> 00:55:41.469
Like that is how we grow. So, you know, I

1264
00:55:41.730 --> 00:55:43.630
have to believe that like, I've been handed some of

1265
00:55:43.650 --> 00:55:46.949
these health challenges for a reason and, And hopefully I'll

1266
00:55:46.969 --> 00:55:48.989
be able to help more people as a result of that.

1267
00:55:49.030 --> 00:55:51.309
It's not easy, but it is a reminder. It's like

1268
00:55:51.369 --> 00:55:53.820
my body will keep changing, you know, and I've been

1269
00:55:53.840 --> 00:55:58.280
trying to figure out hormones with perimenopause as well. And it's,

1270
00:55:58.300 --> 00:55:59.920
and then my friends are all going through it, but

1271
00:55:59.940 --> 00:56:02.679
then everyone, you have to stop comparing there too. Cause

1272
00:56:02.699 --> 00:56:04.849
like everyone's body is going to respond differently.

1273
00:56:04.869 --> 00:56:06.769
So it's like, whew.

1274
00:56:07.030 --> 00:56:10.090
So like what Smudge was saying earlier about like, you know, she,

1275
00:56:10.409 --> 00:56:13.590
like when she listens to like, Body positive audios. I mean,

1276
00:56:13.710 --> 00:56:15.250
it sounds like I don't know which audios you listen

1277
00:56:15.269 --> 00:56:16.889
to so much because I've never found any that like

1278
00:56:16.949 --> 00:56:18.769
focus on it that much. I listen to the more

1279
00:56:18.789 --> 00:56:21.030
subtle ones, I guess. But for when she was saying

1280
00:56:21.050 --> 00:56:23.989
like it's it doesn't make her feel better. She said,

1281
00:56:24.030 --> 00:56:26.469
is that like a me thing? Is it too deep,

1282
00:56:26.840 --> 00:56:28.659
deep of a me thing? So I think that's worth

1283
00:56:28.699 --> 00:56:31.539
touching on is I know you use internal family systems

1284
00:56:31.579 --> 00:56:33.579
in your work without getting too much in the weeds

1285
00:56:33.619 --> 00:56:35.900
in case people would find that helpful. Can you give

1286
00:56:35.920 --> 00:56:37.960
like a quick description of what it is and how

1287
00:56:37.980 --> 00:56:41.480
that helps someone understand why a part of them shuts

1288
00:56:41.519 --> 00:56:42.460
down during intimacy?

1289
00:56:42.840 --> 00:56:45.780
Yeah. So basically we have our self-energy and we have

1290
00:56:45.820 --> 00:56:48.599
our parts. So our self-energy is what we want leading

1291
00:56:48.639 --> 00:56:50.530
our life as much as possible. And that's sort of

1292
00:56:50.550 --> 00:56:53.550
this infinite essence of who we really are on a

1293
00:56:53.570 --> 00:56:56.630
deep level. And it is calm and it's confident and

1294
00:56:56.650 --> 00:56:59.070
it has clarity and it's bringing the creativity, all the

1295
00:56:59.110 --> 00:57:02.719
C-words together. And then we have our parts and we

1296
00:57:02.760 --> 00:57:04.820
have protector parts that are based. You can think of

1297
00:57:04.860 --> 00:57:09.409
them as like defense mechanisms or protective mechanisms. And then

1298
00:57:09.829 --> 00:57:11.750
some of the parts are exiled parts. And those are

1299
00:57:11.769 --> 00:57:14.889
the ones that have been deemed unacceptable in some way.

1300
00:57:14.949 --> 00:57:17.949
So often our exiled parts are, you know, not good enough.

1301
00:57:18.010 --> 00:57:21.630
I feel like a failure. I'm unlovable. Even like I

1302
00:57:21.650 --> 00:57:25.139
feel helpless and vulnerable and unsafe. So all of those

1303
00:57:25.199 --> 00:57:28.099
parts are kind of shoved into the dark basement corner

1304
00:57:28.119 --> 00:57:30.619
of our psyche and And then the protectors kind of

1305
00:57:30.639 --> 00:57:34.829
try to keep them there and prevent those painful, uncomfortable,

1306
00:57:34.989 --> 00:57:39.429
shameful feelings from coming out. But when we understand how

1307
00:57:39.489 --> 00:57:41.829
our protectors are trying to protect us, why they're trying

1308
00:57:41.849 --> 00:57:44.670
to protect us, when we can actually talk to our

1309
00:57:44.769 --> 00:57:48.469
protectors and build a relationship with them from a place

1310
00:57:48.510 --> 00:57:51.949
of our self-energy, the protectors start to feel more safe too.

1311
00:57:52.090 --> 00:57:54.650
Body image, hating on your body is definitely a protector.

1312
00:57:55.320 --> 00:57:57.980
So if we can understand like, hmm, what is this

1313
00:57:58.019 --> 00:58:00.630
trying to do for me? And it could be something

1314
00:58:00.690 --> 00:58:03.599
like this is trying to help me belong. This is

1315
00:58:03.659 --> 00:58:07.440
trying to help me gain acceptance. This is trying to

1316
00:58:07.519 --> 00:58:10.900
help motivate me to look the way society tells me

1317
00:58:10.920 --> 00:58:12.360
to look so that I do fit in and I

1318
00:58:12.409 --> 00:58:15.190
do have connection. We can see that there's a positive

1319
00:58:15.250 --> 00:58:17.630
intention there. And that's an important thing to know, too,

1320
00:58:17.750 --> 00:58:20.829
is that like all of our parts have positive intentions,

1321
00:58:21.469 --> 00:58:23.530
but they might be kind of stuck in like antiquated

1322
00:58:23.570 --> 00:58:26.880
ways of executing on that. And so we can kind

1323
00:58:26.900 --> 00:58:28.699
of bring them up to speed. We can help them

1324
00:58:28.739 --> 00:58:31.960
get present. We can help them shift if they want to.

1325
00:58:32.039 --> 00:58:35.539
We don't force anything in IFS. It's much more about

1326
00:58:35.579 --> 00:58:38.610
like holding space, listening to the wisdom of the parts

1327
00:58:38.679 --> 00:58:41.289
and supporting them in the shifts that they want to make.

1328
00:58:42.010 --> 00:58:44.429
That sounds like a lot of therapy sessions there.

1329
00:58:45.170 --> 00:58:48.929
It could be. Some of the progress is really quick,

1330
00:58:48.989 --> 00:58:51.210
but some of it is, you know, ongoing.

1331
00:58:51.389 --> 00:58:53.010
Yeah. And there's, there's great, like, I mean, I know

1332
00:58:53.250 --> 00:58:54.659
like there's great books out there. You don't have to

1333
00:58:54.679 --> 00:58:56.800
like go into therapy forever, but I mean, therapist is great,

1334
00:58:56.840 --> 00:58:59.260
but it's just really, I've found it very interesting to

1335
00:58:59.280 --> 00:59:01.619
just identify those different parts of me and like, oh,

1336
00:59:01.719 --> 00:59:04.389
I see why I do that. And, and I think

1337
00:59:04.389 --> 00:59:07.719
it absolutely applies directly to body confidence in the bedroom

1338
00:59:07.719 --> 00:59:11.119
because it's so much you're bringing because all your parts

1339
00:59:11.159 --> 00:59:12.380
are coming with you into that room.

1340
00:59:12.219 --> 00:59:17.019
You know so uh leave your labia behind yeah.

1341
00:59:17.099 --> 00:59:19.679
It's it's an emotional orgy.

1342
00:59:21.460 --> 00:59:23.440
It's so it's like that's why i have a job

1343
00:59:23.820 --> 00:59:27.139
you know yeah.

1344
00:59:26.079 --> 00:59:29.630
Yeah Would you say you see more couples than you

1345
00:59:29.670 --> 00:59:31.039
do single people?

1346
00:59:32.280 --> 00:59:34.559
Yes, it's interesting. I have a project coming up that's

1347
00:59:34.579 --> 00:59:36.360
going to be more focused on single people. And so

1348
00:59:36.400 --> 00:59:40.010
I'm wondering if it'll become more 50-50. But right now

1349
00:59:40.199 --> 00:59:43.610
I'm focusing more on people who are in committed relationships.

1350
00:59:43.949 --> 00:59:45.769
A lot of times I see them together as a couple,

1351
00:59:45.789 --> 00:59:47.969
but a lot of times I will see them one-on-one still,

1352
00:59:48.010 --> 00:59:50.570
even if they're in a committed relationship, because they want

1353
00:59:50.590 --> 00:59:52.010
to work on their own parts. They want to work

1354
00:59:52.050 --> 00:59:58.510
on their own performance, anxiety, erectile dysfunction, low libido, communication

1355
00:59:58.550 --> 01:00:02.050
skills when it comes to sex. identity you know sometimes

1356
01:00:02.110 --> 01:00:04.690
people will hire me because they're like you know I

1357
01:00:04.730 --> 01:00:06.150
have a kink or a fetish and I haven't told

1358
01:00:06.190 --> 01:00:08.610
my partner but I really want to be transparent but

1359
01:00:08.630 --> 01:00:11.690
I'm working through some shame around it and I need

1360
01:00:11.710 --> 01:00:14.409
some support with that you know so yeah so it's

1361
01:00:14.429 --> 01:00:17.380
probably like 50-50 in terms of like individual versus couple

1362
01:00:17.420 --> 01:00:21.679
sessions but right now mostly people in relationships I wouldn't.

1363
01:00:21.480 --> 01:00:23.760
Have thought to go into a sex therapist if I

1364
01:00:23.780 --> 01:00:27.239
was you know as being single I just had that

1365
01:00:27.280 --> 01:00:30.309
assumption rightly or wrongly that you know sex therapists are

1366
01:00:30.329 --> 01:00:32.630
for couples because yeah.

1367
01:00:32.510 --> 01:00:35.489
No no because sometimes it's just like if you realize

1368
01:00:35.510 --> 01:00:38.670
you have a hang-up around sex whether it's body image

1369
01:00:38.809 --> 01:00:41.510
or whether it's like you know I think I'm into

1370
01:00:41.530 --> 01:00:44.320
weird stuff or I think I'm too vanilla or you

1371
01:00:44.340 --> 01:00:46.619
know I haven't explored my bisexuality and I just want

1372
01:00:46.639 --> 01:00:49.280
some support in doing that it could there's so many.

1373
01:00:49.199 --> 01:00:51.780
Options see I made an assumption and I made an

1374
01:00:52.000 --> 01:00:53.000
ass of just me.

1375
01:00:54.559 --> 01:00:58.190
Of just me just me not you me No.

1376
01:00:58.210 --> 01:01:00.150
But Smudgy, I'm kind of with you. I don't think

1377
01:01:00.170 --> 01:01:02.530
I ever thought about that either. Especially like you look

1378
01:01:02.570 --> 01:01:05.360
at movies or in social media, whenever they're talking about

1379
01:01:05.420 --> 01:01:07.860
anything sex related, a therapy, it's always with a couple.

1380
01:01:08.139 --> 01:01:10.300
You know, they never just have someone by themselves.

1381
01:01:10.320 --> 01:01:11.380
That's a great point.

1382
01:01:11.659 --> 01:01:12.019
You know?

1383
01:01:12.539 --> 01:01:12.980
Yes.

1384
01:01:13.440 --> 01:01:15.809
See, I wasn't just being stupid.

1385
01:01:15.969 --> 01:01:16.210
No.

1386
01:01:16.230 --> 01:01:18.250
It's a very, very clever question.

1387
01:01:18.719 --> 01:01:21.079
I'm glad you guys asked that. It never occurred to

1388
01:01:21.099 --> 01:01:24.500
me that people didn't realize that we would work with individuals.

1389
01:01:24.539 --> 01:01:26.440
So thank you for bringing it up. Yeah.

1390
01:01:26.699 --> 01:01:29.980
My brain just never thought about that. But like, obviously, obviously,

1391
01:01:30.039 --> 01:01:32.380
now that you've talked about it, it makes perfect sense,

1392
01:01:32.480 --> 01:01:32.940
you know?

1393
01:01:32.960 --> 01:01:35.960
So you ready for a few rapid fire questions?

1394
01:01:36.019 --> 01:01:37.500
Let's go. Let's go. All right.

1395
01:01:37.889 --> 01:01:38.159
All right.

1396
01:01:38.780 --> 01:01:41.610
Worst body confidence advice you've ever heard someone get?

1397
01:01:41.889 --> 01:01:42.210
I mean.

1398
01:01:43.219 --> 01:01:47.300
I probably just unsubscribe from that immediately. Honestly, it's taking

1399
01:01:47.320 --> 01:01:48.880
me back to The Biggest Loser. And I know they

1400
01:01:48.900 --> 01:01:51.500
just had that documentary. But I think just like kind

1401
01:01:51.539 --> 01:01:54.179
of like I think it's being motivated by a place

1402
01:01:54.300 --> 01:01:58.099
of shame or not being acceptable. Like you should you

1403
01:01:58.119 --> 01:01:59.980
should work out. You should lose weight. You should change

1404
01:02:00.019 --> 01:02:03.800
this or this because you're not OK the way you are. Yes. Yeah.

1405
01:02:04.360 --> 01:02:05.760
Yeah. Fucking hate that show.

1406
01:02:05.860 --> 01:02:06.260
Sorry.

1407
01:02:06.579 --> 01:02:08.820
Also, so many of the people have terrible health problems

1408
01:02:08.889 --> 01:02:11.840
after they leave that show because horrible. I can't.

1409
01:02:12.139 --> 01:02:14.559
I admittedly loved it when it was on. Me too.

1410
01:02:14.860 --> 01:02:15.320
Me too.

1411
01:02:15.340 --> 01:02:16.079
Loved it.

1412
01:02:16.260 --> 01:02:18.820
Oh, I fed into all of the media about it.

1413
01:02:18.900 --> 01:02:19.949
Who was that woman on it?

1414
01:02:20.070 --> 01:02:21.829
Oh, fuck. Julian Michaels.

1415
01:02:21.909 --> 01:02:22.889
I was a fan of her.

1416
01:02:22.929 --> 01:02:25.730
What an absolute cunt she is.

1417
01:02:25.929 --> 01:02:28.619
She was like the She was a big.

1418
01:02:28.519 --> 01:02:31.519
Deal too, like early 2000s. I remember I was like,

1419
01:02:31.559 --> 01:02:32.599
she's so cool.

1420
01:02:33.619 --> 01:02:36.030
I will say the one thing I took away from

1421
01:02:36.050 --> 01:02:37.570
her that I liked, because I agree with you guys,

1422
01:02:37.710 --> 01:02:39.789
but the one thing that has always stuck in my mind,

1423
01:02:40.070 --> 01:02:43.050
like if I'm exercising and stuff, and I feel like

1424
01:02:43.070 --> 01:02:46.260
I want to like stop the exercise, is that your

1425
01:02:46.300 --> 01:02:50.010
legs aren't giving out, your mind is. And so that's

1426
01:02:50.050 --> 01:02:52.610
always helped me with like, OK, I'm just I'm talking

1427
01:02:52.650 --> 01:02:54.690
myself out. I'm telling myself all sorts of stuff. So

1428
01:02:55.309 --> 01:02:56.610
shout out to you for that one line.

1429
01:02:57.360 --> 01:02:59.610
I think I don't think that was a unique line

1430
01:02:59.639 --> 01:03:01.260
for her. I think she heard it from somewhere else.

1431
01:03:01.280 --> 01:03:02.719
And I think a lot of people have said that.

1432
01:03:02.920 --> 01:03:05.920
I just just didn't like her. I think she's an absolute.

1433
01:03:06.260 --> 01:03:08.239
Clearly, you have a very strong opinion.

1434
01:03:08.260 --> 01:03:12.820
I do. Her and the fucking Janice Dickerson.

1435
01:03:13.769 --> 01:03:15.570
Oh, from America's Next Top Model?

1436
01:03:15.630 --> 01:03:16.389
America's Next Top Model.

1437
01:03:16.679 --> 01:03:19.739
What a body-shaming cunt. Fuck off.

1438
01:03:19.760 --> 01:03:20.519
Her and Tyra.

1439
01:03:21.280 --> 01:03:22.340
Absolutely, yeah.

1440
01:03:22.559 --> 01:03:23.199
Just, no.

1441
01:03:23.579 --> 01:03:23.880
Anyway.

1442
01:03:24.389 --> 01:03:25.289
But, sorry.

1443
01:03:27.409 --> 01:03:28.829
Fuck you, Janice Dickerson.

1444
01:03:28.909 --> 01:03:29.500
Women not....

1445
01:03:30.929 --> 01:03:34.800
Defending how the reason that they are a size 0-0

1446
01:03:34.820 --> 01:03:38.090
was because they have never eaten anything other than lettuce

1447
01:03:38.139 --> 01:03:42.250
leaf and they won't allow themselves to because they have

1448
01:03:42.309 --> 01:03:43.510
blended and took.

1449
01:03:43.349 --> 01:03:46.949
On what society... that's an important thing that needs to

1450
01:03:46.989 --> 01:03:49.050
get repaired too is like if that's how you've been

1451
01:03:49.150 --> 01:03:52.510
responding to your body signals by ignoring them shoving them

1452
01:03:52.570 --> 01:03:56.530
down forcing certain things that's a big part of repairing as.

1453
01:03:56.489 --> 01:03:58.960
Well well and i remember i used to eat up

1454
01:03:59.019 --> 01:04:01.420
america's next top model back in the day i loved

1455
01:04:01.480 --> 01:04:04.280
that freaking show and i still remember janice dickinson going

1456
01:04:04.480 --> 01:04:07.400
you're size six you're never going to be be like

1457
01:04:07.440 --> 01:04:09.949
a normal model and i remember being like What?

1458
01:04:09.989 --> 01:04:10.750
Yeah.

1459
01:04:10.769 --> 01:04:12.489
The plus size was like an eight.

1460
01:04:12.570 --> 01:04:13.449
Like a four. What?

1461
01:04:13.829 --> 01:04:14.150
Yeah.

1462
01:04:14.170 --> 01:04:17.150
Like a six was considered a plus size model.

1463
01:04:17.170 --> 01:04:17.530
Oh, my God.

1464
01:04:17.550 --> 01:04:18.929
That's so ridiculous.

1465
01:04:18.949 --> 01:04:21.179
You see that in the early 2000s. You're like.

1466
01:04:21.219 --> 01:04:23.579
And also, even the idea that plus size model is

1467
01:04:23.619 --> 01:04:25.480
somehow lesser. Oh, my God.

1468
01:04:25.500 --> 01:04:25.960
Right?

1469
01:04:25.980 --> 01:04:27.599
Why can't they just be a model?

1470
01:04:27.900 --> 01:04:28.199
Model.

1471
01:04:28.239 --> 01:04:28.460
Yeah.

1472
01:04:28.679 --> 01:04:28.820
Right.

1473
01:04:28.840 --> 01:04:30.559
It has to be a separate lesser category.

1474
01:04:30.840 --> 01:04:33.329
It's just like when they say like, you know, like

1475
01:04:33.510 --> 01:04:35.369
the World Cup, the Women's World Cup.

1476
01:04:35.590 --> 01:04:35.869
I'm like.

1477
01:04:35.889 --> 01:04:36.769
Oh, my God.

1478
01:04:36.789 --> 01:04:37.030
I can't.

1479
01:04:37.050 --> 01:04:37.690
I know.

1480
01:04:37.710 --> 01:04:37.929
I know.

1481
01:04:38.449 --> 01:04:40.349
You don't have to put like a female athlete. She's

1482
01:04:40.429 --> 01:04:41.010
just an athlete.

1483
01:04:41.030 --> 01:04:41.969
She's just an athlete.

1484
01:04:42.010 --> 01:04:44.969
But these are women that we looked up to.

1485
01:04:44.989 --> 01:04:45.590
I know.

1486
01:04:45.610 --> 01:04:48.349
No wonder our brains are fucked.

1487
01:04:48.949 --> 01:04:51.300
That's right. We're undoing it. Yes.

1488
01:04:51.360 --> 01:04:56.440
Next question. All right. One thing you wish every partner

1489
01:04:56.539 --> 01:04:59.820
understood about their partner's body confidence.

1490
01:05:00.320 --> 01:05:02.440
It might be what I said earlier that like you

1491
01:05:02.480 --> 01:05:05.860
can't fix it for them. You know, like you might

1492
01:05:05.900 --> 01:05:08.289
think like your partner is literally a 10 out of 10.

1493
01:05:08.280 --> 01:05:11.579
Like you're so lucky you wound up with them and

1494
01:05:12.099 --> 01:05:14.119
your partner just might not see it. You just can't.

1495
01:05:14.300 --> 01:05:16.110
I think it's like we can't get codependent about it.

1496
01:05:16.139 --> 01:05:16.340
Right.

1497
01:05:16.360 --> 01:05:19.030
It's like it's their shit to fix. Right. Be nice.

1498
01:05:19.550 --> 01:05:23.030
Give them compliments. Give reassurance. And then, you know, let

1499
01:05:23.070 --> 01:05:25.050
the rest be their responsibility.

1500
01:05:25.349 --> 01:05:30.550
Next one. One body part people are way more self-conscious

1501
01:05:30.570 --> 01:05:31.769
about than they need to be.

1502
01:05:32.500 --> 01:05:35.420
I actually would like to go with tummies here because

1503
01:05:35.460 --> 01:05:39.659
that came up by your, with your listeners. And I

1504
01:05:39.739 --> 01:05:41.880
do think it's an area that so many of us

1505
01:05:42.139 --> 01:05:45.719
feel more self-conscious about, but I do actually think it's

1506
01:05:45.760 --> 01:05:49.829
an area people find more attractive. And sometimes there can

1507
01:05:49.909 --> 01:05:52.190
be sort of like people like this abundance or like

1508
01:05:52.610 --> 01:05:54.989
even my college roommate, she's like, Oh, I'd much rather

1509
01:05:55.030 --> 01:05:57.150
have a guy with a dad bod than like six pack,

1510
01:05:57.650 --> 01:06:00.170
you know? And I thought that was so interesting or like,

1511
01:06:01.079 --> 01:06:03.400
a woman's body might be seen as like very just like, Ooh,

1512
01:06:03.460 --> 01:06:07.150
it's voluptuous. It's, you know, there's like this abundance. And

1513
01:06:07.210 --> 01:06:10.269
I think flesh can be like a fleshy body can

1514
01:06:10.909 --> 01:06:13.449
be perceived very sexually. But I also feel like there's

1515
01:06:13.469 --> 01:06:15.869
a lot of things people are attracted to like tummies,

1516
01:06:16.030 --> 01:06:19.210
but they, no one's saying it or very few people

1517
01:06:19.250 --> 01:06:22.409
are saying it publicly. So we kind of don't know.

1518
01:06:22.550 --> 01:06:25.739
And I think that that's an area where it needs

1519
01:06:25.760 --> 01:06:28.119
to be said more publicly. I think more people need

1520
01:06:28.139 --> 01:06:30.239
to be like, I'm into this. Yeah.

1521
01:06:32.050 --> 01:06:35.489
God, genuinely, I could talk about this for hours. Oh

1522
01:06:35.530 --> 01:06:36.590
my God, me too.

1523
01:06:36.610 --> 01:06:38.550
You'd have to charge me your hourly rate, Heather.

1524
01:06:41.619 --> 01:06:44.360
Well, actually, speaking of that, where can our listeners find you?

1525
01:06:45.090 --> 01:06:48.349
You um yeah so my podcast is called sex for

1526
01:06:48.389 --> 01:06:50.909
couples it's on all the podcast platforms as well as

1527
01:06:50.969 --> 01:06:55.530
youtube um and my website is just my name heathershannon.co

1528
01:06:55.550 --> 01:06:59.510
um and people can request a free consultation for coaching

1529
01:06:59.670 --> 01:07:02.889
i have a couple digital courses on emotional intelligence and

1530
01:07:02.929 --> 01:07:06.369
libido but yeah i love i love doing the coaching stuff.

1531
01:07:06.929 --> 01:07:14.179
Do you do like groups of three Just asking for

1532
01:07:14.199 --> 01:07:14.699
a friend. Yeah.

1533
01:07:14.739 --> 01:07:15.550
No one in mind.

1534
01:07:15.940 --> 01:07:19.659
That'd be so fun. If people had a group, I

1535
01:07:19.699 --> 01:07:20.400
would love to do that.

1536
01:07:21.900 --> 01:07:23.340
And I also noticed when I was looking, when we

1537
01:07:23.360 --> 01:07:28.019
were scouting you, that you have the, a quiz, um,

1538
01:07:28.280 --> 01:07:30.099
why you're stuck in a sex rut.

1539
01:07:30.119 --> 01:07:30.800
Yes.

1540
01:07:31.019 --> 01:07:34.099
At the better bedroom.com is where you can find it.

1541
01:07:34.139 --> 01:07:36.980
And it's pretty damn cool. Calls to action better than

1542
01:07:37.039 --> 01:07:40.219
I am. Um, Yeah, so that one's good if you're

1543
01:07:40.239 --> 01:07:43.300
in a committed relationship. Basically, I boiled it down to, like,

1544
01:07:43.320 --> 01:07:47.119
there's five common patterns that I see in couples that

1545
01:07:47.159 --> 01:07:51.130
kind of address the deeper, like, relational, psychological patterns that

1546
01:07:51.170 --> 01:07:53.969
are at play that are kind of getting in the

1547
01:07:54.010 --> 01:07:57.530
way of the sex life happening. So, yeah, the quiz

1548
01:07:57.550 --> 01:08:00.699
will give people a good starting point of, like, what

1549
01:08:00.739 --> 01:08:01.619
their number one issue is.

1550
01:08:02.000 --> 01:08:02.340
Nice.

1551
01:08:02.579 --> 01:08:04.019
I may be single, but I'm going to do it.

1552
01:08:04.480 --> 01:08:07.099
Do it! I'm going to pretend.

1553
01:08:07.849 --> 01:08:09.780
I'm with Tom Ellis. There you go. Tom Ellis is

1554
01:08:09.800 --> 01:08:14.139
my fictional partner. We would never be in a sex rut.

1555
01:08:14.460 --> 01:08:15.860
He's pretty hot, yeah.

1556
01:08:16.000 --> 01:08:17.159
He's British, of course he's hot.

1557
01:08:17.189 --> 01:08:20.689
That guy would not leave the house. Yeah, us Americans

1558
01:08:20.729 --> 01:08:22.229
are such suckers for the accent.

1559
01:08:22.310 --> 01:08:24.329
We really are. It's ridiculous.

1560
01:08:24.350 --> 01:08:25.100
We freaking love it.

1561
01:08:25.109 --> 01:08:27.310
The Quiddicents will have all this in the show notes,

1562
01:08:27.329 --> 01:08:29.109
so you'll be able to find all of Heather's information

1563
01:08:29.130 --> 01:08:32.619
in the show notes to bring you to her wisdom.

1564
01:08:32.640 --> 01:08:34.579
Because thank you so much for coming to join us

1565
01:08:34.600 --> 01:08:35.340
in the Quiddicast videos.

1566
01:08:35.359 --> 01:08:38.079
Thank you all for having me. You guys are really fun.

1567
01:08:38.239 --> 01:08:40.460
I talk to you anytime. Oh, awesome.

1568
01:08:41.250 --> 01:08:42.340
Or we might just invite you back then.

1569
01:08:42.350 --> 01:08:43.000
Great.

1570
01:08:43.520 --> 01:08:43.899
Yeah.

1571
01:08:44.380 --> 01:08:46.960
And good luck with everything. Good luck with your podcast. Yeah.

1572
01:08:47.500 --> 01:08:48.380
Love it.

1573
01:08:48.460 --> 01:08:48.699
Yeah.

1574
01:08:48.779 --> 01:08:50.939
Everything else. And I'm going to take the quiz straight

1575
01:08:50.979 --> 01:08:51.340
after this.

1576
01:08:51.500 --> 01:08:54.829
Me too. Amazing. I look forward to it.

1577
01:08:54.949 --> 01:09:00.060
Awesome. Thank you so much, Heather. okay bye see ya

1578
01:09:00.239 --> 01:09:03.039
oh she was lovely that was heather shannon sex therapist

1579
01:09:03.279 --> 01:09:07.220
and she's amazing of sex for couples podcast i anybody else.

1580
01:09:07.090 --> 01:09:10.109
Have like at least two or three epiphanies during that

1581
01:09:10.130 --> 01:09:13.229
yes you've identified or i heard and i was like

1582
01:09:13.369 --> 01:09:14.510
oh my god that's.

1583
01:09:14.430 --> 01:09:18.720
So yes so yes many this is gonna be one

1584
01:09:18.739 --> 01:09:20.760
of those like like i'm gonna listen to it again

1585
01:09:20.779 --> 01:09:23.079
and again because it's so many gems she.

1586
01:09:23.020 --> 01:09:25.859
Was really informative really down to earth about everything yeah

1587
01:09:26.319 --> 01:09:28.510
you know i mean like really grounded about it and

1588
01:09:28.529 --> 01:09:31.550
everything and i i absolutely love talking to her it was.

1589
01:09:31.489 --> 01:09:32.989
So cool to just have her like kind of get

1590
01:09:33.029 --> 01:09:35.829
into the conversation of like her own issues with body

1591
01:09:35.850 --> 01:09:39.380
confidence and stuff it's like no one's immune and um

1592
01:09:39.500 --> 01:09:41.680
and hopefully clitizens you have some you know really good

1593
01:09:41.720 --> 01:09:45.170
takeaways that can help you And thank you for submitting

1594
01:09:45.210 --> 01:09:47.640
your body confidence struggles because that was super helpful to

1595
01:09:47.680 --> 01:09:51.300
just help frame the conversation. So because as we say,

1596
01:09:51.319 --> 01:09:53.619
we want this podcast to be a conversation between all

1597
01:09:53.640 --> 01:09:56.210
of us. So we appreciate you contributing. So thanks, Clitizens,

1598
01:09:56.250 --> 01:09:58.729
for listening to another episode of QuinnCast. We appreciate you

1599
01:09:58.789 --> 01:10:01.829
so much. If you enjoyed this episode, and I know

1600
01:10:01.850 --> 01:10:05.979
you did. Please rate us, comment. Those things help us

1601
01:10:06.039 --> 01:10:08.500
reach so many more people and get this conversation into

1602
01:10:08.619 --> 01:10:11.140
many more ears, which the more people who can hear

1603
01:10:11.180 --> 01:10:14.149
about body confidence, I think, the better all around. So

1604
01:10:14.159 --> 01:10:16.670
we'll be back with you with another episode shortly. But

1605
01:10:16.729 --> 01:10:19.710
for now, this has been Kazza. Your voice matters.

1606
01:10:20.270 --> 01:10:22.470
This has been Jules. Go put those lips to good use.

1607
01:10:23.189 --> 01:10:25.939
And this has been Smudge. Keep wanking.